Goodbye After-Effects

Some take goodbyes well, some don't. However there's some that get rather drastic when they find out a friend of their's is leaving for good.

Got a friend right now that is going to a path of no return, and I'm doing my best to consult her... but afraid I may lose another friend. There's no one to blame for this, I think. It was bound to happen at some point given my friend's condition. I just hope I can talk her out of it and calm her down...

What a mess I'm in.

Update: My friend has calmed down enough. She's pretty much back to her normal self. It's a huge relief.

As for me, I forgot to mention I've accepted it now. At first I was sad, then feeling regret to doubts, but eventually came to terms. My friend will be fine. This is something she needs and I will not drag her back against her will or wishes. If she comes back, that'll be on her.

Starting to become close to another friend who needs it more though. Pretty much the only other person I can be equally close to. I'll be fine though. This isn't the end, just a new beginning.

End of a Story, Beginning of a Story

There comes a time in everyone's life to move on with their own. Even if it means saying goodbye to people you had a very wonderful long time with.

I had to make that decision just now. A friend was feeling trapped, she wanted out. Not from me though, but from people that were wanting to know her more than she was comfortable with. She came back for me a few times, but eventually others would want to know her too but at a quicker pace than she was comfortable with. She wanted out, she wanted to be free. There wasn't an easy way to get out of it without hurting people's feelings. She felt backed into a corner, and desperate.

I heard her out. I listened. I understood. She was miserable, but wasn't blaming me a single bit. She was blaming herself. She let it happen to herself. The only way for this to stop, was to also say goodbye to me. Of course I didn't mean for her to feel trapped... but I could sense it. I didn't want to say anything though... would feel she would deny it or get offended. I am relieved to hear her say she was trapped as it made it easier for me to help her be free.

New Year, New Problems

Been feeling much better, done with my antibiotics. Had a few times take it late than the 12 hour period, but all is well!

Happy new year everyone, hope it's starting off good for you all. Mine has started off with paranoia... after a few heated discussions with a friend or two. Everything is fine now on that.

So I have another issue. Hair loss. Noticed the hair line is still retreating or at least thinning out... I have a confession to make. The problem is that I don't bathe regularly than I should. Why? It's a complicated answer...

Mistakes and Failure

There are times in my life I make mistakes without realizing it before it's too late, like right after I make the mistake. I try to fix things, but end up making it worse when I should just stop. There's just something inside of me to keep wanting to fix something I damaged instead of calling quits or ask for help. Like I'm too full of pride to give up or admit defeat.

And then there's times that I just don't know what to do to make it better. I just freeze, questioning every choice there is, especially if there's too many to pick from. Prefer limited choices so I don't get overloaded of possibilities but not too limited to feel trap.

When it comes to people, I don't know how to talk to them. Any topics I think of feel too soon or surreal to bring up; there's a rare chance I have a good topic to talk about. Otherwise I just listen and stay quiet till I have something to add, if it's worth adding. When it comes to friends... usually the same thing, but with a heavy fear of losing them. I know saying nothing or not talking to them doesn't help, but I'm scared stiff to say something off or get carried away and they leave. My top fear is being alone and abandoned, so I choose to hardly say anything. Not healthy, I know...

This can't be real...

It's only been 24 hours since she left and already I'm starting to go insane... deep inside of me strongly refuses to accept this. It wants to believe it's just a horrible dream that has gone long enough...

This is my thought process right now.

This is just a dream... right? Just one long horrible dream... I'm gonna wake up at some point and gonna see her again... nothing has changed... she didn't leave... just going offline for a few days... that's it... just gonna see if i'll be strong enough without her...

I feel empty... I don't feel like myself anymore... my thoughts are skewed.

I don't know how much of this sudden emptiness I can take... I don't know how I'll be able to recover from it... I want to wake up now... I want to wake up..... please... I don't want this to be real..... This can't be real!

Please... come back..... don't leave me...

...I'm scared.

Good Bye, My Friend

Haven't wrote here for a while now.

Just lost a very close friend. She didn't die just moved on with her life. She has cut every chance to contact her again. I'll miss her deeply.

I first met her in Antilia, when it was MMO and had the test sessions. At the time she was a party animal and a drunk with other terrible mistakes. I helped her get out of that path. Meanwhile I was going through anger issues and she helped me get out of that pitfall as well. We had other arguments at times but reconnected a few days later.

Eventually she started going to college as she dreamed of for years, thanks to her co-workers helping with her tuition. Her grades were, as expected for her, A's. I was happy for her.

Revisit Past, Make Better Memories

To my friends reading this, I have a request for you at the end of this entry. Please read it through to the end.

Several years ago before my time with Antilia, I played a game called Trickster. It was an interesting game made from Korea. At first I had fun times but my teenage pride and anger issues was getting the best of me and was sorta driving people away. I made friends but only few I kept in contact with for a few more years before they... well vanished without any way to still keep on contact. All but one friend.

My actions in the game were... not something I'm proud of. I was nitpicky, full of myself, and maybe manipulative. Many things annoyed me in the commute and the game yet I still stuck around as I had nothing else to do... some excuse huh?

I went by the name JasonR, soon after SneakySly, Charm Type Raccoon, back in the day. I miss the friends I made and I regret not keeping in touch with them any further after playing... guess that's why I felt a bit uneased with myself lately. The friends I made, I no longer talked to and hardly needed their help... or refused to ask for their help as I was too full of pride to do things on my own.

Flashback: Withdrew When Not To

Few months ago on a tf2 server I frequented, the commute took a turn for the worse due to lack of admins for the server as they were more focused on a Jailbreak server (which is 90% problems for everyone). There was this one day I was trying to jump with a player as Medic with the quickfix to get onto a building. (The server had a rubber-band mod for the medic, able to spring towards the healie as both jumped.) As I was doing this a group of, well... elitist sore-winners best way to describe them, were only targeting this one player I was trying to jump with to the roof for... really nothing.

They do it all the time, someone is being them that isn't the regulars, they single them out and grief them till they leave. Admins don't do anything, only admin assigned to the server is never on when he is needed, is only on for a few minutes before leaving despite the server being full.

Nonetheless I was threaten to be treated the same way if I didn't stop healing him, despite I was trying to jump up there but they didn't care. In fact, these regulars don't care about the server or the commute, just their "way of having fun because they can". Childish teenagers... one day they'll look back at this and feel, if they are human, remorse and regret.

Clear Picture Music

For some time now I been having re-occurring dreams and trigger flashbacks of my past, resulting me in having twitchy arms, fist clenching, and spontaneous cringing--not at the same time, albeit for a few seconds of occurrence and when I'm alone--pretty sure it's not a health concern. The song Future (What Are The Odds) by 4everfreebrony helped paint a... better clearer picture than I had roughly 2 years ago when I was going through a huge mental change and first time reality awareness. That picture 2 years ago was made of left over rage and anger, so it wasn't very pretty to say the least.

Looking back through them now... now that I've had plenty of time and space to put my thoughts together, despite a few leftover bumps, detours, and halts in the thought process... I was completely unaware of my actions around everyone. How much of a coward I was, less passion of doing anything that most would find fun and I would find... basically uncouth and feel it would lead me to a wrong path, prevent me from going my own path, or to just feel welcomed in when I lacked the same passion as them.

Financial Nightmare

I'm in a huge turmoil right now. Some of you may know this already, but last Sunday my car overheated; ran out of coolet while ignoring the foreshadowing signs: heat monitor would slowly go to the top then suddenly go back down the middle faster than when it was going up. Has been happening for 2-3 weeks, always thinking it was some sort of glitch.

Sent the car to the mechanics Tuesday, they would look at it, plus a needed state inspection, either that night or the next day. Got a callback the next day: radiator is leaking, part of the power steering needs repairs, and wiper blades need to be changed, all in an estimated sum of $1500, which I don't have on hand nor able to really afford. I am thankful I saved up atleast 2/3 of that amount over the past 2 years, but I'll have to make monthly payments to pay for the rest. The mechanic also said after the repairs it'll probably last another year, so now there's a problem of looking for a new car.

Action in Rage, Later in Regret

Late December I ended up calling it quits on TF2, mainly from a commute, for various reasons that would fall under the following, but not limited to: jealousy, frustration, anger-issues, stubbornness, and just being an all around jerk and kill joy 90% of the time I was on the server(s). Players were trying to help me, but I just kept seeing it differently as an attempt to just mock and take advantage of me. Had a stubborn mindset of refusing help and rather learn on my own, when in fact I wanted help yet the latter kept coming into play, constantly preventing it.

Shortly after calling it quits, I removed certain, but not all, folks from that TF2 commute. There were a few I couldn't really get along well and some never really interacted much; Rest I could but took it out on them as well, sadly--currently reuniting with them. There is one person I want to apologize. She kept trying to cheer me up and get me to see the bright side of things and people, when I would just push it all away. Mainly because I didn't want to be proven wrong, and too stubborn to listen and learn. After what I need to say, I'll let her decide whether to stay in touch or not. I just want to say sorry to her, is all. (Update below)

Entry 27-B

I'm still moaning over the coming loss of my birthplace ToonTown. I first played that game in late spring early summer of 2005. Few years later, Sly was born, eventually grew in and outside of ToonTown, as you see today as either "Blue Sly" or "LongSly".

I want to bring something from ToonTown to Antilia. A memoir, anything that indicates where I original started, something that says, "This is where I was born." I know this doesn't mean much to everyone reading this and have trouble understanding it. Sure, "it was just a game," but it was more than a game to me. It was an escape--no, the ONLY escape from cruel reality of school life at the time. Despite I haven't played it much, there was a good bond in the past. It was the only MMO I ever reached end-content.

Entry 27

From a blog entry I made on ToonTask. Guests cannot see blogs, so I'll share it here for you all to read.

Title: Coming Death of my Birthplace.

Toontown was more than just a game to me, it was my late childhood. I could never understand the real world and just retreat to online games, one of them being only ToonTown Online. My first character was an green rabbit, Wally Thunderchomp. I made several other characters out of boredom as time went on by. Eventually lead up to Sly, originally started as Sly Cooper, toon-up less. The name got removed sometime after I reached end-game content. I remade him, being dropless instead, into Sly. Everyone's favorite blue cat to this day, not just in TTK (ToonTask) these days.

As the years went on by, I made new friends, both on TT and TTK, few I stay in contact to this day. This blue cat has grown outside of ToonTown as well, but never out grown it. While I have parted ways from the game and the TTK community for several years, it was still my birthplace. Seeing it go, all vanish, it saddens me so. Where I was born will no longer be available to visit. All I have left is just memories now I had with old and current friends. Friends I've lost contact and those I stay in touch. Those that parted ways, few I catch up on.

I will miss my birthplace, ToonTown, but I do have a home outside of it.

Entry 24

Had a dream once that had a certain female Vulan, holding a polearm with an axe head on the end, leering down at me as I slept in my tent with a mischievous grin on her face. I'm not sure, but I think Tettix may be entering my dreams to mess with me more. Think I may need to bring out my old teddy bear again for comfort.

So the kickstarter is right around the corner now. I am in bit of a dilemma though. On one paw I want to show my support as much as possible, on the other I'm in need of a new laptop (C key is nearly dead, both software and hardware wise). Also, I got some important bills to pay this month and next, that it'll put a bit of a set back. Since the goal is $120,000, sorta expecting one of the backer rewards be at most $1,000 of donation. There has been mention of statues, which brought up an old topic of Longsphinx again, regardless if I'm a top backer or not. Personally, I'd be alright with it if it included the frequent alpha testers too (those that were on for nearly every alpha test prior to the end.) Currently have mixed feelings about it: sure I would feel recognized, but wouldn't feel like I fairly earned it either, you know? Don't think I've contributed that much prior to the kickstarter to be worth given a statue. See if I can earn my way to maybe a plaque at least. We'll see how long the kickstarter will be. Guess I can put my plan for a new laptop on hold... huge conflict of interest.

Entry 21

This is a mix feel entry: Grumpy, Sad, and Happy. As you read this, please keep in mind I am not seeking pity or for people to feel sorry. Guidance is welcomed, but don't want any paw holding. Gotta learn to do things on my own after all, despite how scary it may be.

Grumpy

Minecraft
On the minecraft server, I first got invited to a steam group, Minecraft Server Community, by I believe either a bot that invites random folk or a player inviting random folk... don't know honestly. Anyway. I join the server for 1.6.1/1.6.2. First time joining. Signs of things being recently grieved. Mainly because the houses are right there next to the spawn. Hardly see anyone on, not even an admin by the looks of it. I play for a bit out of that town, get some resources, hide in kitty made holes during the night, and head back prepared to fight off any mobs that may come in my way. Second day, more grieving done, nothing fix, heavy lack of players/admin. So I thought to myself, "Not worth playing in." Just thankful I didn't bother to build anything. Whatever I found in the wild is keeps to me in that server. Enchanted bow with good durability for starters.

Toki Tori
I bought two games that were on sale on Steam: Toki Tori, and Toki Tori 2+ (whatever the plus means). This started when I recieved two coupons for Toki Tori 2+ with a message on them saying "Thank you for being a fan of Two Tribes! Here's a coupon for 10% off Toki Tori 2!" By Two Tribes I have their two other games Edge and Rush--great games, recommend them both--that I bought in a Cube Pack, including bit.trip Runner (frustration city!), Blocks that Matter (meh puzzle game), Qube (Portal 1 feel to it), and Crtical Mass over a year ago. Yeah, I'm a major casual gamer at times.