Action in Rage, Later in Regret

Late December I ended up calling it quits on TF2, mainly from a commute, for various reasons that would fall under the following, but not limited to: jealousy, frustration, anger-issues, stubbornness, and just being an all around jerk and kill joy 90% of the time I was on the server(s). Players were trying to help me, but I just kept seeing it differently as an attempt to just mock and take advantage of me. Had a stubborn mindset of refusing help and rather learn on my own, when in fact I wanted help yet the latter kept coming into play, constantly preventing it.

Shortly after calling it quits, I removed certain, but not all, folks from that TF2 commute. There were a few I couldn't really get along well and some never really interacted much; Rest I could but took it out on them as well, sadly--currently reuniting with them. There is one person I want to apologize. She kept trying to cheer me up and get me to see the bright side of things and people, when I would just push it all away. Mainly because I didn't want to be proven wrong, and too stubborn to listen and learn. After what I need to say, I'll let her decide whether to stay in touch or not. I just want to say sorry to her, is all. (Update below)

Much as I want to get better at TF2, until I can afford an external mouse, and able to get a flat surface for the mouse, I'm very limited of what I can do in-game. The friends I've met in Antilia have helped calm me down and taught me to see things positive. Just have to keep flipping negative situations into positive, and just learn to just walk away if it's too much for me, but come back after I get my thoughts together and try again.

That being all said, going to avoid competitive servers. Instead, play on casual/special mode servers like slender fortress or prop hunt, for example. If I'm in the mood to just blow stuff up, there's always bots in offline training for that, less frustrating for me. Sure it's not the best way to improve in TF2, but it will have to do till then. For now, I'm just a casual fairly experience player on TF2. Want to be a bit more competitive too and maybe go into a tournament, but that'll be more of a stretch goal for me.

Also, I've been wanting to see the way of PvP being fun and not take it so seriously and channel it into pure rage of being a failure and childishly accuse players of hacking. A friend of mine, Fang, is able to take PvP easygoing, and I want to learn from him how he does that. I just need to get out of the mindset of "they're killing me a lot because they hate me" and more of "I made a mistake in my approach/attack/execution, I should try something else." Whether be different tactic, increase my stats, or research on weapons/armor and builds; even though researching can bore me, if there's a reason and determination for me to do it and the researching isn't like writing a 5 page essay, I'll do it and experiment with what I can. I no longer want to see it as "No matter what I do they always get me 5x more than I can get them," and give up from there. Quitters never win and winners never quit.

To quote from Extra Credits: Fail Faster. The faster you fail, the more you learn and improve, as long as you understand what you did wrong too. (Granted, it was more towards game design, but can be applied to more than that if done correctly.)

Also, to any outpost players on TF2--whether you're still part of it, left, or got banned--and have been lurking my blogs for one reason or another. Sorry for my attitude towards you. If anyone was being a prick, it was me and me alone. I just hated being proven wrong, that I was making mistakes and turn it around against you. Don't expect any to forgive me, regardless if I get a response or not. I was, most of the time, jealous. Although a few were being jerks on the servers, I only made it worse by "attempting to break it up" or "show them I'm no pushover" or so I thought. I should have just let things go on their own way and enjoy the game; not be the national guard or the fun police.

UPDATE: The friend I wanted to apologize to passed away months ago, according to her sibling. I feel awful... she was wanting to show me how to have fun and look things positive, but I would just push it away, refusing to admit I was in the wrong. I'm glad I was able to help her unbox her first unusual hat last October for a birthday present and be fun as I could be, mostly be her entertainment of killing me. She was very happy and hard to put down. Going to miss her deeply. I don't want to lose friends on a bad note and be too late to apologize to them later. There's a chance I may not know they passed away, and never say my good byes.