For some time now I been having re-occurring dreams and trigger flashbacks of my past, resulting me in having twitchy arms, fist clenching, and spontaneous cringing--not at the same time, albeit for a few seconds of occurrence and when I'm alone--pretty sure it's not a health concern. The song Future (What Are The Odds) by 4everfreebrony helped paint a... better clearer picture than I had roughly 2 years ago when I was going through a huge mental change and first time reality awareness. That picture 2 years ago was made of left over rage and anger, so it wasn't very pretty to say the least.
Looking back through them now... now that I've had plenty of time and space to put my thoughts together, despite a few leftover bumps, detours, and halts in the thought process... I was completely unaware of my actions around everyone. How much of a coward I was, less passion of doing anything that most would find fun and I would find... basically uncouth and feel it would lead me to a wrong path, prevent me from going my own path, or to just feel welcomed in when I lacked the same passion as them.
Looking back through all this and how I am today... let's just say I wouldn't mind punching my past self in the face... not just once either. So many things I have done that I thought I was just doing the right thing. No... not at all. Never did a single right thing back then. Too many wrong choices and countless refusal to follow any advice thrown in my way.
If...if I just wasn't full of myself and thought I was the only person doing anything right... I would've had a better chance to be more in her life, or everyone else's life I've crossed paths with. Better memories too...
There's a deep scar I've always burdened on me. For years I've always kept it hidden, not to draw attention or be asked by questions about it. Time I show that scar, and not pretend it never happened. Especially since it decided to make an appearance of himself to the public about 3 years ago.
Scar of YlsGnol. Or, as I prefer to call him now, Mar.
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