I'm Scared...

So many things I'm scared of happening then and now. It's always a constant worry for me even though few of them I really shouldn't be and just go with the flow and accept it.

Dilemma Thought

Last Saturday I bought two items from best buy, both Logitech: M570 Wireless Trackball Mouse, G430 Over-The-Ear Gaming Headset.

A source notified me the sale for the headset was $30 off, as I've been looking for a new pair since my old Sony around-the-head on-the-ear headphones were dying out and lasted for no more than 4 years I believe (christmas gift too). I bought a new pair with earbuds as backup or to let my hair dry, but those quickly broke in a matter of a month (plus wouldn't stay on my head properly and had to constantly keep adjusting them to stay) and couldn't find the receipt for a refund. The earbuds worked but wouldn't fit properly in the ear and would be a bit loose but not enough to slide out (that and earbuds are terrible at sending bass).

This can't be real...

It's only been 24 hours since she left and already I'm starting to go insane... deep inside of me strongly refuses to accept this. It wants to believe it's just a horrible dream that has gone long enough...

This is my thought process right now.

This is just a dream... right? Just one long horrible dream... I'm gonna wake up at some point and gonna see her again... nothing has changed... she didn't leave... just going offline for a few days... that's it... just gonna see if i'll be strong enough without her...

I feel empty... I don't feel like myself anymore... my thoughts are skewed.

I don't know how much of this sudden emptiness I can take... I don't know how I'll be able to recover from it... I want to wake up now... I want to wake up..... please... I don't want this to be real..... This can't be real!

Please... come back..... don't leave me...

...I'm scared.

Good Bye, My Friend

Haven't wrote here for a while now.

Just lost a very close friend. She didn't die just moved on with her life. She has cut every chance to contact her again. I'll miss her deeply.

I first met her in Antilia, when it was MMO and had the test sessions. At the time she was a party animal and a drunk with other terrible mistakes. I helped her get out of that path. Meanwhile I was going through anger issues and she helped me get out of that pitfall as well. We had other arguments at times but reconnected a few days later.

Eventually she started going to college as she dreamed of for years, thanks to her co-workers helping with her tuition. Her grades were, as expected for her, A's. I was happy for her.

Memory Trouble

There are old sites I visit time to time, one still active, the other barely active. I have troubling remembering moments amongst those sites... good, bad, anything. I even have trouble remembering the friends I made... or how I became friends with them. As I look at my steam friends, mainly ones I made in Antilia... I fear I may end up having trouble remembering them too. There's only a few toontown friends I remember... an odd amount from earth eternal, and a small handful from other MMO's I played. Probably because I'm able to keep in touch with them.

I don't know if it's a mental condition, subconscious blocking, or lack of any meaning I had at those times like it didn't have a huge impact on my life. Now that I think about it, my mind may be blocking them out as it would upset me for missing those times or how horrible it was along with a few.... well... regrets.

Revisit Past, Make Better Memories

To my friends reading this, I have a request for you at the end of this entry. Please read it through to the end.

Several years ago before my time with Antilia, I played a game called Trickster. It was an interesting game made from Korea. At first I had fun times but my teenage pride and anger issues was getting the best of me and was sorta driving people away. I made friends but only few I kept in contact with for a few more years before they... well vanished without any way to still keep on contact. All but one friend.

My actions in the game were... not something I'm proud of. I was nitpicky, full of myself, and maybe manipulative. Many things annoyed me in the commute and the game yet I still stuck around as I had nothing else to do... some excuse huh?

I went by the name JasonR, soon after SneakySly, Charm Type Raccoon, back in the day. I miss the friends I made and I regret not keeping in touch with them any further after playing... guess that's why I felt a bit uneased with myself lately. The friends I made, I no longer talked to and hardly needed their help... or refused to ask for their help as I was too full of pride to do things on my own.

Anxiety Issues: Achievements

I'm becoming bit of a nervous twitch right now. Yesterday I was looking at my profile on AStats, after, somehow, joining a private group called 100% Achievements Group. I don't recall getting an invite yet was able to join. I noticed 22 achievements were invalid. I took a look at it to see what were invalid, and all achievements to Stanley Parable were invalid due to irregulations, mainly because of the Go Outside achievement, don't play the game for 5 years.

I began to panic I may be viewed as a cheater to that community site, however found this thread regarding the issue. I made a post asking if relocking that achievement would make the others valid again, and if i unlocked it in December 3rd, 2019, which would be 5 years for me since I last played it to get the Commitment achievement (Steam says December 3rd, 2014 12am, while AStats says 7am; unsure if this is also causing the irregulation).

Now I know I shouldn't let little things like this cause me to panic and move on, but being labeled as a cheater, despite I'm not as it would say I am in red text on the AStats profile, easily upsets me.

Thoughts on the Antilia Direction Change

After the recent announcement of the changes to Antilia, I've been feeling unsure of myself (spring season, active pollen, and climbing humidity could also be a factor) if I want to continue support Antilia.

Few weeks back I asked in the steam chat if it was best for Jeff to put a pause on Antilia and work on a smaller project with the Toi Engine, as more of a tech demo of the engine while at the same time get some revenue going for RBG.

Hearing this news, and being about as old as Vaila here in the commute, I do have mix feelings about it... I can't exactly say why, not only because I'm too lax to think and still collecting my thoughts, I had plans when it was targeted to be an MMO, but now that it's going en route to this... doubt any plans I had can be salvaged but remains to be seen.

I'll still stick around, but at this time my support is awaiting jury.

It's what I said in a post I made on a thread to discuss the latest blog post.

Scar of Mar

(Follow Up of Clear Picture Music)

We've all faced Mar at one point or another, and some have managed to notice sooner. Sadly I only noticed when it was far too late for me. Damages have been done... they cannot be reversed.

Mad, Anger, Rage, or Mar, is something we all develop in our early years of life; before we have our path set before us, before we have a focus set in our minds. However, some are not able to notice it soon enough, or at least not made aware of it. By the time I noticed it, I was already finished with schooling.

Years I've Been

5 Years I've been with Steam. 4 Years I've been with Antilia. 3 Years I've been seeing myself grow, monitoring myself more, and reflecting my past actions starting when I was a kitten. 2 Years I've been seeing my family fall apart. 1 Year I've been looking for a road of life out of limbo, currently stuck on Boulevard of Broken Dreams with no clear exit or end.

I feel I've became more wiser, more cautious with my actions, while still paranoid of my surroundings as my past continues to give me visions in my sleep and various scents I smell each day bringing back a flashback.

For a few nights I've been getting visions in my sleep, whether alternative results of my past, predictable future, or metaphor dreams based off of thoughts and recent events.

One vision shows the end of days. I don't know what happened, but it caused major devastation in a city. Nothing but ashes and crumbled towers that once resisted the wind. Yet there's life coming out from the crumbles, however only few survive... a select few from a divine power the dream was telling me. They appear unscathed. Not even their clothing is damaged. Normal citizens, middle class at most. Like they were chosen to rebuild civilization from start and hopefully not make the same mistakes that has been happening for decades by others. I believe I was one of them or I was looking through the eyes of one that survived.

Choice: Wisdom or Greed, Life or Power

In a game called UnEpic, mid way into the game, you are given two choices to end a sub-quest on two separate occasions that will affect your gameplay down the road.

1. You are asked to collect a Book of Wisdom from a pit of spikes for an elder who will give you 100 coins (which is alot at this point of the game). Upon getting the book, the description says upon reading it you can get 5 more points to spend on your character. However, what isn't told from the elder or the description is that once it is read, the book will be blank.

2. Another elder is planning to make an elixer of youth to be younger and stronger again, to seek revenge against those that teased him for being old. He's missing one ingredient, a dragon egg, which is locked in a cage guarded by orcs in a cave. The elder offers a ring that offers a huge boost in damage for all melee weapons, Upon reaching the egg, you discover it's about to hatch. You are advised, strongly, to not break the egg by both the elder or no reward, and a shadow, that attempted to possessed you, failed, and currently stuck in your body, or else it'll cause havoc to the castle.

What would you do in these situations between the two choices? Would you give wisdom away for money, or would you take that wisdom for yourself and use it to your advantage? Would you sacrifice a new born creature for a potion to turn someone else young again for power, or raise it as your own and forfeit that power?

Flashback: Withdrew When Not To

Few months ago on a tf2 server I frequented, the commute took a turn for the worse due to lack of admins for the server as they were more focused on a Jailbreak server (which is 90% problems for everyone). There was this one day I was trying to jump with a player as Medic with the quickfix to get onto a building. (The server had a rubber-band mod for the medic, able to spring towards the healie as both jumped.) As I was doing this a group of, well... elitist sore-winners best way to describe them, were only targeting this one player I was trying to jump with to the roof for... really nothing.

They do it all the time, someone is being them that isn't the regulars, they single them out and grief them till they leave. Admins don't do anything, only admin assigned to the server is never on when he is needed, is only on for a few minutes before leaving despite the server being full.

Nonetheless I was threaten to be treated the same way if I didn't stop healing him, despite I was trying to jump up there but they didn't care. In fact, these regulars don't care about the server or the commute, just their "way of having fun because they can". Childish teenagers... one day they'll look back at this and feel, if they are human, remorse and regret.

Haunting Idea

This past weekend I watched a playthrough of a PSP story-driven game called "Corpse Party: Blood Covered ...Repeated Fear"* (Contains Blood and Gore).

Eight students and a teacher from Kisaragi Academy are in a classroom at the dead of night, telling ghost stories upon one another. They then do a charm enchantment, Sachiko Ever After. Shortly after the enchantment, a massive earthquake happens and the floor beneath them crumbles away at a rapid speed towards them, swallowing them into the abyss.

They soon awake, separated and in small groups, in another school building, but dated with smaller chairs and desks. They soon realize they're in Heavenly Host Elementary School, what was suppose to be torn down 30 years ago. It got torn down sometime after 3 students were found murdered and a principle that jumped off the roof the day before it was torn down.

The students and the teacher need to find each other, find a way out, and uncover the mystery of the school. While at the same time hoping they can survive long enough to escape it and not give in to the darkness and insanity of the place.