Motivation Finding

(From my FA Journal)

So I have a story or two in mind I want to write, but I can't find the motivation to start on it and invest time into it. The inspiration is there at least, but the the drive is... I don't know... not there.

There's some purpose I need to write these stories, a purpose that is very meaningful to me. I had one a decade ago when I was writing my fan-fictions for a MMO, but I haven't been able to find that motivation again since then.

Maybe if I heard what motivates people to draw, make music, make videos (entertainment, LP's, etc.), or write, I might find something to help motivate me. I don't want people to throw in ideas of what will motivate me, as I rather find that on my own.

Feel free to share this entry with anyone who also had this struggle or can share what motivates them to create. It would be very helpful.

A Step to Self-Acceptance

So I had an interesting experience that turned out all right for me. I had a first time experience with male bonding. I've always been hesitant on it, in fear I may give off the wrong impression about myself or worse. But it turned out well and relieved it did so.

I'm starting to feel more comfortable with myself again... slowly but surely. I used to be a bit outgoing and friendly as a kid, but people kept taking it the wrong way like I was mentally ill or "homosexual" just for putting on a smile. It got to the point I forgot how to smile and be happy, and just ignored everyone since I couldn't be friendly anymore without being shut down constantly. I was like that up to graduation, basically. The friends I made were hardly there for me... so I don't miss them.

Thanks to the friends I've made in these past few years, however, and more so these past few months, I was comfortable enough to make a FA account, while contribute something to the site, favorite a few pictures I found by browsing randomly, watch a few artists I've seen before from their web comics or elsewhere.

So far haven't gotten any comments from my friends freaking out about watching this person or favoriting this picture, yet. (At least those I can take serious) That being said, I'm glad for the friends I've made these past few years than I've ever made before. Gives my life some meaning again. While it doesn't improve my self-esteem much, every little bit counts to at least wake up every morning.

Things are starting to look up to me again... and I want this to make up for lost time and last forever.

My FA

I have written a few poems on my FA, linked above. If you have a FA, please let me know what you think of them by leaving a comment. Feel free to watch me, but feedback is welcome.

I'm not aiming to be a professional writer of sorts, just write what comes to mind and see how people view it or took away from it.

As for what I favorite (especially if you have a FA account) or who I watch, if you know me it shouldn't be a surprise. Otherwise, yes I'm that kind of person. Come at me Feminists. My mallet is ready.

Goodbye After-Effects

Some take goodbyes well, some don't. However there's some that get rather drastic when they find out a friend of their's is leaving for good.

Got a friend right now that is going to a path of no return, and I'm doing my best to consult her... but afraid I may lose another friend. There's no one to blame for this, I think. It was bound to happen at some point given my friend's condition. I just hope I can talk her out of it and calm her down...

What a mess I'm in.

Update: My friend has calmed down enough. She's pretty much back to her normal self. It's a huge relief.

As for me, I forgot to mention I've accepted it now. At first I was sad, then feeling regret to doubts, but eventually came to terms. My friend will be fine. This is something she needs and I will not drag her back against her will or wishes. If she comes back, that'll be on her.

Starting to become close to another friend who needs it more though. Pretty much the only other person I can be equally close to. I'll be fine though. This isn't the end, just a new beginning.

End of a Story, Beginning of a Story

There comes a time in everyone's life to move on with their own. Even if it means saying goodbye to people you had a very wonderful long time with.

I had to make that decision just now. A friend was feeling trapped, she wanted out. Not from me though, but from people that were wanting to know her more than she was comfortable with. She came back for me a few times, but eventually others would want to know her too but at a quicker pace than she was comfortable with. She wanted out, she wanted to be free. There wasn't an easy way to get out of it without hurting people's feelings. She felt backed into a corner, and desperate.

I heard her out. I listened. I understood. She was miserable, but wasn't blaming me a single bit. She was blaming herself. She let it happen to herself. The only way for this to stop, was to also say goodbye to me. Of course I didn't mean for her to feel trapped... but I could sense it. I didn't want to say anything though... would feel she would deny it or get offended. I am relieved to hear her say she was trapped as it made it easier for me to help her be free.

Rogaine Treatment

So bought a 3 month supply of Rogaine. Gonna start using it the next day. I've read it does help with frontal balding, despite what the packaging says.

However a few questions are popping up in my mind that I can't get a direct or solid answer to.

• If I shower before using Rogaine, how long should I let my hair dry before applying?
• If I apply Rogaine before a shower, how long should I wait before I get my head soaked?
• Should I let Rogaine sit at all or do I need to wipe it off with a hand towel? Getting mixed answers there.
• Do I need to shake the can? Can't find any information regarding that. Since it's foam figured I need to shake it prior to using it, but doesn't say it's required or not.

My hair on the front has really thinned out, and most likely due to me scratching that area due to poor bathing habits. Think my back is showing signs as well, but can't get a good angle to see. For now I'll work on the front for at least 2 months and hope to see improvements.

AutoCAD

Few days ago I finished a placement exam for an AutoCAD... not sure what to call it, but for now call it an institute. Most of the questions I had no knowledge of answering and a few I gave educational guesses.

The thing is I was given the PDF for the exam for weeks and have been hesitant to go through it. Every time I thought of it or saw it, the scary thought of going back to school would paralyze me for hours to a day straight. ...Always thought I wouldn't be going back to school after dropping out of college due to this unneeded stress and pressure that was looming over me that I was becoming more depressed than I was in high school and prior.

Sigh... but finally just went through it and turned it in. Waiting for the results to see what classes I should start out with. I'm told I only need to take classes that is more related to AutoCAD and not other courses like science, history, literature, etc. I always found that stuff pointless to learn for me and saw no real benefit for me to learn it. Hopefully this will help me get a better paying job so I can be on my own... but I rather not think too far ahead, I'll just jinx it.

New Year, New Problems

Been feeling much better, done with my antibiotics. Had a few times take it late than the 12 hour period, but all is well!

Happy new year everyone, hope it's starting off good for you all. Mine has started off with paranoia... after a few heated discussions with a friend or two. Everything is fine now on that.

So I have another issue. Hair loss. Noticed the hair line is still retreating or at least thinning out... I have a confession to make. The problem is that I don't bathe regularly than I should. Why? It's a complicated answer...

My Health This Past Week

Quick Update: Still alive.
Update 2: Feeling better, not 100% but healthy enough to do most things.

For over a week since the 14th I've been feeling ill. Sore throat, fevers to chills and back, congestion, coughing. Went to the doctor since this wasn't going away fast enough. I'm on antibiotics and a suggested nasal spray since for 2 days during this I had to constantly blow my nose nonstop. Needless to say there is dryness and damage in my nose.

During the examination the doctor noticed my heart rate was rather high. It wasn't at first when being prepped by the nurse. She suggested I get a blood test, make sure nothing else is happening and it's just the over the counter medicine I've been taking (nyquil, if needed, and decongestant). Hopefully the results will be clean.

Been congested for a few days straight with sign of relief, but get stuffy again. I blow and I blow but it keeps coming. Still congested to this day.

Mistakes and Failure

There are times in my life I make mistakes without realizing it before it's too late, like right after I make the mistake. I try to fix things, but end up making it worse when I should just stop. There's just something inside of me to keep wanting to fix something I damaged instead of calling quits or ask for help. Like I'm too full of pride to give up or admit defeat.

And then there's times that I just don't know what to do to make it better. I just freeze, questioning every choice there is, especially if there's too many to pick from. Prefer limited choices so I don't get overloaded of possibilities but not too limited to feel trap.

When it comes to people, I don't know how to talk to them. Any topics I think of feel too soon or surreal to bring up; there's a rare chance I have a good topic to talk about. Otherwise I just listen and stay quiet till I have something to add, if it's worth adding. When it comes to friends... usually the same thing, but with a heavy fear of losing them. I know saying nothing or not talking to them doesn't help, but I'm scared stiff to say something off or get carried away and they leave. My top fear is being alone and abandoned, so I choose to hardly say anything. Not healthy, I know...

I'm Scared...

So many things I'm scared of happening then and now. It's always a constant worry for me even though few of them I really shouldn't be and just go with the flow and accept it.

Trackball Practice in a FPS Game UPDATE

Gotten the sensitivity setting where I like it to be... I do seem to aim a bit better, but still have the issue of frame rate dropping below 30 when things get intense on my screen and 'cause lag and hindering my performance.

However, uninstalled TF2 once again. Starting to get addicted again and eventually I'll be going into a random server for a few matches... the outcome would be the same: I get too intense and angry over little things and be sore at losing, if little to no resistance was offered. I become a bit angry at my peers... either way TF2 was the only FPS game I had that would work good enough to test out the trackball mouse I have. Sure there's Unturned I could've tried out on, but recently burned out on it.

I'm not going to go back into any tense multiplayer focus FPS anytime soon... hopefully far later (perhaps never given the competitive side of gaming is spreading like a wild fire and none allowing any fun).

TF2 was fun at times but... it's a game on its last leg. Has not aged very well and eventually Valve will stop supporting it and focus more on DOTA 2 and CS:GO. I am happy with the friends I made though during the time.

I'll never understand those that enjoy being competitive... never could, never will. Just gonna avoid those games now... not worth my time.

Trackball Practice in a FPS Game

So tried a bit of TF2 training with the new trackball mouse, was in the mood to shoot something... either I'm rusty for not playing for a year or so, or not used to this mouse yet... or I just don't do well at all in any tense/stressful situation that requires a split second action. Could be a mix of each... too soon to say.

Don't really plan to really go back to TF2, this was more of a test of how well I perform with the trackball than the trackpad, and if there's any improvement. Still can't aim very well and my anxiety is difficult to control to stay calm without the nervous habit of aiming too far or little in one direction I'm being fired at, or aim in a different direction altogether, or just hit the wrong button thinking it'll save me. Probably still need to mess with the in-game mouse sensitive setting till it feels right... don't know how long that'll take and if I'll be able to find it. Main problem would be my nervous habit of quickly going in the direction the target is at, over/under shoot my aim by a few pixels, miss, and get killed or take damage and hope I have a chance to fix my aim.

Dilemma Thought

Last Saturday I bought two items from best buy, both Logitech: M570 Wireless Trackball Mouse, G430 Over-The-Ear Gaming Headset.

A source notified me the sale for the headset was $30 off, as I've been looking for a new pair since my old Sony around-the-head on-the-ear headphones were dying out and lasted for no more than 4 years I believe (christmas gift too). I bought a new pair with earbuds as backup or to let my hair dry, but those quickly broke in a matter of a month (plus wouldn't stay on my head properly and had to constantly keep adjusting them to stay) and couldn't find the receipt for a refund. The earbuds worked but wouldn't fit properly in the ear and would be a bit loose but not enough to slide out (that and earbuds are terrible at sending bass).

Helping an Old Friend

An old friend of mine recently uploaded a video about his unemployment issue and how he's been having trouble with finding work. I showed it to a friend who also had self experiences about the struggles of unemployment, although in a different country. She offered a good amount to get him by, 50 LBs (too lazy to get the currency symbol), so she set up a direct transfer between two bank accounts.

I wish I could do the same but I don't have any experience with external transfers and would need a guide to be sure I did the right thing and not end up screwing myself over so I yielded... but was glad my friend could help him out.

I haven't spoken to him in years and haven't paid much attention to his vids either (I'm such a bad friend), but I rather help him than a cousin of mine who I've had no real connection with trying hard to contact me to talk me into giving her money, despite recent events that have occurred in her life that has me thinking otherwise.

Even though I didn't give him any money, I'm glad I offered to help at least and that my friend reached out. If I had more experience with external transfers I would do it. But for now I hope things turn around for him.

Moving On in Life

Words of wisdom from my friend Fang

Sly, something I've learned over time is that there's really not much you can do other then constantly moving forward. It's crap, it's not fair, it's kind of horrible, so many other things. But life goes on, and you need to go with it. Fucking hate it. It's heartless, it's cruel, it's bullshit in so many ways, but you gotta keep moving.

Was able to sleep well last night than the night before (took a surprise nap to make up for it). I'm gonna keep moving forward. My friend would want that.

Got a feeling I'll see her again one day. So there's nothing for me to worry about. :)

This can't be real...

It's only been 24 hours since she left and already I'm starting to go insane... deep inside of me strongly refuses to accept this. It wants to believe it's just a horrible dream that has gone long enough...

This is my thought process right now.

This is just a dream... right? Just one long horrible dream... I'm gonna wake up at some point and gonna see her again... nothing has changed... she didn't leave... just going offline for a few days... that's it... just gonna see if i'll be strong enough without her...

I feel empty... I don't feel like myself anymore... my thoughts are skewed.

I don't know how much of this sudden emptiness I can take... I don't know how I'll be able to recover from it... I want to wake up now... I want to wake up..... please... I don't want this to be real..... This can't be real!

Please... come back..... don't leave me...

...I'm scared.

Good Bye, My Friend

Haven't wrote here for a while now.

Just lost a very close friend. She didn't die just moved on with her life. She has cut every chance to contact her again. I'll miss her deeply.

I first met her in Antilia, when it was MMO and had the test sessions. At the time she was a party animal and a drunk with other terrible mistakes. I helped her get out of that path. Meanwhile I was going through anger issues and she helped me get out of that pitfall as well. We had other arguments at times but reconnected a few days later.

Eventually she started going to college as she dreamed of for years, thanks to her co-workers helping with her tuition. Her grades were, as expected for her, A's. I was happy for her.

Memory Trouble

There are old sites I visit time to time, one still active, the other barely active. I have troubling remembering moments amongst those sites... good, bad, anything. I even have trouble remembering the friends I made... or how I became friends with them. As I look at my steam friends, mainly ones I made in Antilia... I fear I may end up having trouble remembering them too. There's only a few toontown friends I remember... an odd amount from earth eternal, and a small handful from other MMO's I played. Probably because I'm able to keep in touch with them.

I don't know if it's a mental condition, subconscious blocking, or lack of any meaning I had at those times like it didn't have a huge impact on my life. Now that I think about it, my mind may be blocking them out as it would upset me for missing those times or how horrible it was along with a few.... well... regrets.

Revisit Past, Make Better Memories

To my friends reading this, I have a request for you at the end of this entry. Please read it through to the end.

Several years ago before my time with Antilia, I played a game called Trickster. It was an interesting game made from Korea. At first I had fun times but my teenage pride and anger issues was getting the best of me and was sorta driving people away. I made friends but only few I kept in contact with for a few more years before they... well vanished without any way to still keep on contact. All but one friend.

My actions in the game were... not something I'm proud of. I was nitpicky, full of myself, and maybe manipulative. Many things annoyed me in the commute and the game yet I still stuck around as I had nothing else to do... some excuse huh?

I went by the name JasonR, soon after SneakySly, Charm Type Raccoon, back in the day. I miss the friends I made and I regret not keeping in touch with them any further after playing... guess that's why I felt a bit uneased with myself lately. The friends I made, I no longer talked to and hardly needed their help... or refused to ask for their help as I was too full of pride to do things on my own.