End of a Story, Beginning of a Story

There comes a time in everyone's life to move on with their own. Even if it means saying goodbye to people you had a very wonderful long time with.

I had to make that decision just now. A friend was feeling trapped, she wanted out. Not from me though, but from people that were wanting to know her more than she was comfortable with. She came back for me a few times, but eventually others would want to know her too but at a quicker pace than she was comfortable with. She wanted out, she wanted to be free. There wasn't an easy way to get out of it without hurting people's feelings. She felt backed into a corner, and desperate.

I heard her out. I listened. I understood. She was miserable, but wasn't blaming me a single bit. She was blaming herself. She let it happen to herself. The only way for this to stop, was to also say goodbye to me. Of course I didn't mean for her to feel trapped... but I could sense it. I didn't want to say anything though... would feel she would deny it or get offended. I am relieved to hear her say she was trapped as it made it easier for me to help her be free.

She is a good person, despite what she keeps saying about herself. She's not terrible, she's not bad, she's not a bitch. She's misunderstood and needs guidance. She needs friends by her side, to listen and care for. She needs someone to love her... She loves to help others, while not asking for gifts in return. She has done a lot of good for me than she believes, as much as I've done a lot of good for her.

We had our fights off and on, but they were becoming fewer and fewer the longer we stayed in touch. We always forgave each other... usually I was in the wrong more than her. We were strong for each other. We were finally smoothing things out to have a healthy friendship, but she felt trapped and I couldn't help her. There was nothing I could do to help her feel comfortable again... nothing I could do to help ease her stress and frustration. I felt so helpless, and she was in pain... What kind of friend am I if I can't cheer my closest friend up? I was desperate to end her pain too... at the cost of losing contact with her.

I hate losing friends, it's always a scary feeling that I'll be alone or abandoned again... but... this is ending on a high note between us instead of sore or silent that I usually get.

If we ever meet again, it'll be in person. That's what she told me. I won't wait for that day though... I'll do my best to move on and live my life. Would be amazing though to see her again, in person, if fate allows it. ...And personally I hope fate lets it happen, at least this once...

We said our best wishes to each other and began our separate ways. She told me it'll "take a week to get everything in order" and then "pull the plug", so to speak.

I will miss her, and she will miss me. We had a long run, roughly 3 years and 5 months. I'll remember her time-to-time, but not always. Wouldn't do me, or her, any good if I kept constantly wondering and worrying about her.

...This was for the best, not just for her but for me as well. She'll no longer feel she's hurting people, and wishes me to find a girl that is waiting for me out there, that is better than her. She told me I'll do great things. I told her she'll be a great mother one day.

This hurts... hurts a lot... but I'll be fine... everything will be okay. She's free... Was never my intention to have her feel trapped. I did want to keep in contact with her but... it's for the best. She was feeling very uncomfortable... I still feel some blame to it though... just feels right to reclaim some responsibility in this.

End it on a high note, on the same page with her at the end of a story. Close the book, and put it on a shelf. Time for a new story: one for the Blue Cat, and one for the Blue Vixen. Up to the author if they'll ever meet in another story.

Update: After writing this I felt better, I felt more at peace and ready to move on. But then the pain came back, perhaps a little stronger too... guess it was just a temporary peace or one of those stages of grief. ...I loved her... for the first time in my life, she is a close friend I deeply want to cross paths again. I hope both of our lives get better over the years. And I hope we meet each other again out there. ...Or at least she makes contact with me again.

For now, I told her I'll be strong. And I will... I just need to calm down and not lose myself over this. It's not the end of the world for me, just end of a story in a series of stories. However, I wonder right now, but hopefully not often, will the author allow me to see her again? Or will I be forever separate from her and find another person that is more of a perfect match for me? Will I still remember her? Or will she be another fuzzy memory?

Honestly, I feel fate loves to toy with my emotions. It has before, and it will again.

But now I wonder... is this really the right thing to do? Is this really for the best for both of us? Or is it just an act of desperation to end a suffering that can be worked through? On both of our accounts? ...at this time I can't think straight, this is a heavy toll on me. I'm going through the basic stages of grief anyway. I will recover from this... I just... need the support of my friends to help me move on... show me things will get better. ...I wonder if she is thinking deeply about this though... or if starting to regret it already.
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She wants me to be happy, and she always wanted me to find a girl that was more to my needs... but I always cling to her, refusing to let go of her... refusing to replace her. I felt if I did otherwise, she would feel abandoned and risk going back to her old ways. I didn't want to give up on her. I didn't want her to think she was a lost cause. I still have deep hope for her, and she knows it. She has improved greatly since I first met her, and I am glad to have been a part of her life during that time. I have also improved greatly since she first met me, and she is glad to have been a part of my life during that time.

But no matter what, we were too different, or so she kept claiming... she always kept saying we would end up "killing each other" if we lived together for some time... to be honest, I don't think we would. No, we would adapt to each other. Sure we would argue a bit, but we would always pull ourselves together, give each other space for awhile, even if it's just a few days, and begin speaking again (and I usually start the apologizing as I usually feel guilty, most likely due to my fear of being alone). She could push me all she wanted, but I would always come back to her.

I would think heavy of moving to her state... but would be a heavy task to do. I don't have the money to make a move, let alone drive for so long alone in fear I'll get lost, run out of money, or stranded. She wouldn't like it anyway... she would always tell me to not do that. I nearly did once when I hadn't heard from her for a week straight. Guess I was that pathetic and worried at the time...

I just couldn't see the bad in her, at all either... All I saw was misunderstanding and loneliness from her. So I stuck around... not because I felt sorry for her, but because I could relate to her. People misunderstood me and I always felt lonely for years prior to meeting her. There was no one else I felt more closer to than her. I have more close friends these days than I did many years ago, and I am glad for it, but she was the first I was so close to. First person I was so open to without any fear or care in the world...

I hope... this is just temporary for some time. I hope our paths cross again in the future... I don't expect it to be soon, but later.

But... I'll be fine... I'll be strong. This cat will become more of a tiger. Time will heal this great wound.

(I still wish to be referred to as a blue cat though instead of the blue tiger... not a fan of stripes on me)

Please fate... let us meet again... far later in our lifetime. At some point, I'll begin to wonder how she's doing since I last saw her. Please give me that... at the very least. Allow me to see her again in the future... for once, let me reconnect with a close friend I once had long ago. I'll be strong though. I won't constantly wish for it. I won't constantly hope for it. I won't constantly beg for it. I won't always look back on it. Let it be a great gift.