Motivation Finding

(From my FA Journal)

So I have a story or two in mind I want to write, but I can't find the motivation to start on it and invest time into it. The inspiration is there at least, but the the drive is... I don't know... not there.

There's some purpose I need to write these stories, a purpose that is very meaningful to me. I had one a decade ago when I was writing my fan-fictions for a MMO, but I haven't been able to find that motivation again since then.

Maybe if I heard what motivates people to draw, make music, make videos (entertainment, LP's, etc.), or write, I might find something to help motivate me. I don't want people to throw in ideas of what will motivate me, as I rather find that on my own.

Feel free to share this entry with anyone who also had this struggle or can share what motivates them to create. It would be very helpful.

My FA

I have written a few poems on my FA, linked above. If you have a FA, please let me know what you think of them by leaving a comment. Feel free to watch me, but feedback is welcome.

I'm not aiming to be a professional writer of sorts, just write what comes to mind and see how people view it or took away from it.

As for what I favorite (especially if you have a FA account) or who I watch, if you know me it shouldn't be a surprise. Otherwise, yes I'm that kind of person. Come at me Feminists. My mallet is ready.

Rogaine Treatment

So bought a 3 month supply of Rogaine. Gonna start using it the next day. I've read it does help with frontal balding, despite what the packaging says.

However a few questions are popping up in my mind that I can't get a direct or solid answer to.

• If I shower before using Rogaine, how long should I let my hair dry before applying?
• If I apply Rogaine before a shower, how long should I wait before I get my head soaked?
• Should I let Rogaine sit at all or do I need to wipe it off with a hand towel? Getting mixed answers there.
• Do I need to shake the can? Can't find any information regarding that. Since it's foam figured I need to shake it prior to using it, but doesn't say it's required or not.

My hair on the front has really thinned out, and most likely due to me scratching that area due to poor bathing habits. Think my back is showing signs as well, but can't get a good angle to see. For now I'll work on the front for at least 2 months and hope to see improvements.

AutoCAD

Few days ago I finished a placement exam for an AutoCAD... not sure what to call it, but for now call it an institute. Most of the questions I had no knowledge of answering and a few I gave educational guesses.

The thing is I was given the PDF for the exam for weeks and have been hesitant to go through it. Every time I thought of it or saw it, the scary thought of going back to school would paralyze me for hours to a day straight. ...Always thought I wouldn't be going back to school after dropping out of college due to this unneeded stress and pressure that was looming over me that I was becoming more depressed than I was in high school and prior.

Sigh... but finally just went through it and turned it in. Waiting for the results to see what classes I should start out with. I'm told I only need to take classes that is more related to AutoCAD and not other courses like science, history, literature, etc. I always found that stuff pointless to learn for me and saw no real benefit for me to learn it. Hopefully this will help me get a better paying job so I can be on my own... but I rather not think too far ahead, I'll just jinx it.

My Health This Past Week

Quick Update: Still alive.
Update 2: Feeling better, not 100% but healthy enough to do most things.

For over a week since the 14th I've been feeling ill. Sore throat, fevers to chills and back, congestion, coughing. Went to the doctor since this wasn't going away fast enough. I'm on antibiotics and a suggested nasal spray since for 2 days during this I had to constantly blow my nose nonstop. Needless to say there is dryness and damage in my nose.

During the examination the doctor noticed my heart rate was rather high. It wasn't at first when being prepped by the nurse. She suggested I get a blood test, make sure nothing else is happening and it's just the over the counter medicine I've been taking (nyquil, if needed, and decongestant). Hopefully the results will be clean.

Been congested for a few days straight with sign of relief, but get stuffy again. I blow and I blow but it keeps coming. Still congested to this day.

Trackball Practice in a FPS Game UPDATE

Gotten the sensitivity setting where I like it to be... I do seem to aim a bit better, but still have the issue of frame rate dropping below 30 when things get intense on my screen and 'cause lag and hindering my performance.

However, uninstalled TF2 once again. Starting to get addicted again and eventually I'll be going into a random server for a few matches... the outcome would be the same: I get too intense and angry over little things and be sore at losing, if little to no resistance was offered. I become a bit angry at my peers... either way TF2 was the only FPS game I had that would work good enough to test out the trackball mouse I have. Sure there's Unturned I could've tried out on, but recently burned out on it.

I'm not going to go back into any tense multiplayer focus FPS anytime soon... hopefully far later (perhaps never given the competitive side of gaming is spreading like a wild fire and none allowing any fun).

TF2 was fun at times but... it's a game on its last leg. Has not aged very well and eventually Valve will stop supporting it and focus more on DOTA 2 and CS:GO. I am happy with the friends I made though during the time.

I'll never understand those that enjoy being competitive... never could, never will. Just gonna avoid those games now... not worth my time.

Trackball Practice in a FPS Game

So tried a bit of TF2 training with the new trackball mouse, was in the mood to shoot something... either I'm rusty for not playing for a year or so, or not used to this mouse yet... or I just don't do well at all in any tense/stressful situation that requires a split second action. Could be a mix of each... too soon to say.

Don't really plan to really go back to TF2, this was more of a test of how well I perform with the trackball than the trackpad, and if there's any improvement. Still can't aim very well and my anxiety is difficult to control to stay calm without the nervous habit of aiming too far or little in one direction I'm being fired at, or aim in a different direction altogether, or just hit the wrong button thinking it'll save me. Probably still need to mess with the in-game mouse sensitive setting till it feels right... don't know how long that'll take and if I'll be able to find it. Main problem would be my nervous habit of quickly going in the direction the target is at, over/under shoot my aim by a few pixels, miss, and get killed or take damage and hope I have a chance to fix my aim.

Dilemma Thought

Last Saturday I bought two items from best buy, both Logitech: M570 Wireless Trackball Mouse, G430 Over-The-Ear Gaming Headset.

A source notified me the sale for the headset was $30 off, as I've been looking for a new pair since my old Sony around-the-head on-the-ear headphones were dying out and lasted for no more than 4 years I believe (christmas gift too). I bought a new pair with earbuds as backup or to let my hair dry, but those quickly broke in a matter of a month (plus wouldn't stay on my head properly and had to constantly keep adjusting them to stay) and couldn't find the receipt for a refund. The earbuds worked but wouldn't fit properly in the ear and would be a bit loose but not enough to slide out (that and earbuds are terrible at sending bass).

Helping an Old Friend

An old friend of mine recently uploaded a video about his unemployment issue and how he's been having trouble with finding work. I showed it to a friend who also had self experiences about the struggles of unemployment, although in a different country. She offered a good amount to get him by, 50 LBs (too lazy to get the currency symbol), so she set up a direct transfer between two bank accounts.

I wish I could do the same but I don't have any experience with external transfers and would need a guide to be sure I did the right thing and not end up screwing myself over so I yielded... but was glad my friend could help him out.

I haven't spoken to him in years and haven't paid much attention to his vids either (I'm such a bad friend), but I rather help him than a cousin of mine who I've had no real connection with trying hard to contact me to talk me into giving her money, despite recent events that have occurred in her life that has me thinking otherwise.

Even though I didn't give him any money, I'm glad I offered to help at least and that my friend reached out. If I had more experience with external transfers I would do it. But for now I hope things turn around for him.

Admins: Doing it WRONG

Note: Read "Flashback: Withdrew When Not To" first.

There's a small commute (bigger than Antilia, however) that I frequent time-to-time. Many servers, many players that frequent the server in loads, but it has one itty bitty tiny problem. Majority of their admins are irresponsible for their actions and their duties for the commute, along with poor monitoring of these admins.

Mainly one person who recently gotten Head Admin. He was eager, young and naive as a Caesar-salad with arrogance dressing on the side, but very eager to be an admin. He's one of those people where you need to be careful of who you give power to. Give him a gun, he'll do whatever he wants; give him a task, he'll lazily do it while whining about it. In the end, just grumbles and whines about the job HE himself wanted so badly. Well he got the job, and now he's internally regretting it while refusing to admit he hates it.

Let me quote one recent event that happened on December 31, 2014.

Head Admin: I join into the server seeing them in the music room a easter egg that is unlocked quite early in the stage itself so therefore you been there for sometime if the others reached the end plus Panis did spawn as you two were in there so I banned you based on that I joined in late so I couldn't have caught others so I just saw the most recent event of you two doing it therefore ban appeal: Denied

Basically, he banned out of ignorance and irrational thinking. Didn't really stick around long enough to ask "what is going on?" and get the details before he started banning. Let alone could've just slain/kick with a warning if they haven't gotten one prior, and they haven't.

Haunting Idea

This past weekend I watched a playthrough of a PSP story-driven game called "Corpse Party: Blood Covered ...Repeated Fear"* (Contains Blood and Gore).

Eight students and a teacher from Kisaragi Academy are in a classroom at the dead of night, telling ghost stories upon one another. They then do a charm enchantment, Sachiko Ever After. Shortly after the enchantment, a massive earthquake happens and the floor beneath them crumbles away at a rapid speed towards them, swallowing them into the abyss.

They soon awake, separated and in small groups, in another school building, but dated with smaller chairs and desks. They soon realize they're in Heavenly Host Elementary School, what was suppose to be torn down 30 years ago. It got torn down sometime after 3 students were found murdered and a principle that jumped off the roof the day before it was torn down.

The students and the teacher need to find each other, find a way out, and uncover the mystery of the school. While at the same time hoping they can survive long enough to escape it and not give in to the darkness and insanity of the place.

Entry 30

Bought myself Bioshock, loving it. Feels nice to play a FPS game that isn't multi-competitive for a change. So many dead cats in that game though. Makes me sad to see them all. The poor kitties...

Got a late birthday gift: realMyst, a 3D free-roaming version of the original. At first had issues, the movie files in-game would only show as white, and the library would kill my FPS. Read a few troubleshooting guides and works fine now! Plan to do a play/walkthrough soon. Already did for Myst III: Exile, and Myst IV: Revelation. Have the discs for Myst II: Riven but don't work, too old. There is a steam version, but not sure if I'll face the same issues with realMyst that I can fix on my end, or maybe worse issues beyond what I can do. I have played Riven before, but never gotten far. Far as I know, Riven is the longest and complicated game in the series.

Don't have to drive grandma to church anymore, she's officially wheelchair bound. No longer able to get her into my car, not strong enough to support her up. While it's nice I no longer have to drive 60+ miles for her, at most, it's still devastating for her and Dad.

Been making an over one hour movie of ToonTown, all recorded the day before it closed. The game will be missed. The movie features the four boss battles of the cogs: VP, CFO, CJ, and CEO, in that order.

I need to get back to the videos of Machinarium, been putting that off for quite a while. The ToonTown vids are taking up most of it; thankfully I was able to free up enough space for them by going through two sets of Machinarium vids.

Had a few job calls this week, but been getting back into the bad habit of sleeping till 1pm again outside of the job days. It affects me mentally, feel bore and out of energy, everything feels typical and predictable, annoying and frustrating, so on and so forth. Do have my alarm set for 9am at least, but end up shutting it off after an hour of going off by snoozes and go back to sleep. Lack of motivation I guess on those days.

Speaking of motivation, when is the kickstarter?! Got a lot of money saved up for it. The longer I have to wait, more likely I'll be spending this money on something else unless there's an update.

Entry 29

Thanks to everyone who wished me a happy birthday. Unfortunately, I don't really have a way to celebrate it. It's been that way for... I guess several years. Used to have parties as a child but that faded away by each year. Whenever I'm asked "What do you want to do on your birthday?" I just get a blank. At this point I might as well be surprised.

Gotten two games: Osmos and Machinarium. Both indie, one casual, one adventure/puzzle. They were on my wish list for a long time. Thinking of buying myself Bioshock, tried the demo and can play it but at like low-mid quality. Don't plan on recording it though. Machinarium I currently am as a play through.

Entry 25

Nothing really interesting happened this past week for me. Other than Blaine making me bleed on my leg again. Scratch mark looks like a corner of a rectangle.

My mind has been really dead lately due to work very hard these past 2 weeks. Eventually things will calm down and I can ease myself.

Entry 23

Last week was busy busy busy. My owner was too busy finishing a few things up before leaving the state to a concert he's in with his band that I was the only assistant in the carpet cleaning business. By Friday, after 7 jobs, 5 shifts both morning (I am not a morning person) and afternoon, including two double jobs on two shifts, I was exhausted, tired, cranky, and in deep need to relax. Me saying, "I am having trouble getting sleep," is an understatement. I keep crashing and taking two hour naps after I'm done for the day. Very exhausting. Starting to dislike the job though, at least it pays well than my other monthly average. Not much to talk about between me and my boss other than work. He's a musician and I'm a gamer.

Entry 22

Follow up on my last post: Scheduled an appointment to get my oil changed on the day this entry becomes live and got a new phone by a fluke--will explain shortly.

Right now, I've been feeling bored and very limited on games to play, left with just casual low-graphic demanding games. Been saving up money to get a better laptop, since getting an external keyboard isn't going to work well. Be a hassle for me without a desk to use. Do have a lot of games on my steam wishlist... maybe high time I finally bought them, we'll see.

My new phone is a Samsung Blackjack with Windows Mobile (replace the Cingular logo with ATT), which apparently works with my pre-paid plan despite it doesn't have the Go-phone logo on the box. It's at least a 4 year old phone, used. We had it in our basement for years. I was thinking of buying this ATT Z221, but the fact that the blackjack works with my plan canceled that. There is another reason though; my owner brought it up twice on two separate occasions, eventually showed me. I didn't attempt to put my SIM card in the phone at first, because I was skeptic of it not being labeled as a Go Phone.

Entry 20 Extra

Here's screenshots of what my house and mineshaft looks like in my survival world.

LongSly's House

Fishing Deck

Mine Shaft Entrance

Question 4

Cinfar/Spyred via Mabinogi

I was wonder what you think about the kickstarter coming up. What are your thoughts about it?

Hmm... not an easy one for me to answer as I don't know much about kickstarter. All I know is that it's fundraiser-type thing that you see often in schools with gimmick prizes to encourage people to sell product more for a bigger prize which may or may not include the previous prizes. I find it similiar to that but a big backwords for the prizes. Instead of selling you're donating for it.

I don't know at this time if I'll be able to donate myself for the kickstarter. My budget keeps getting tight.

Entry 12

"A koura that can hover via a balloon of explosive gas"

Drawn by Kathryn

Seems I forgot to mention this in my last entry. The Isle of Kasau is gonna have a new bug. No name is given yet on this bug, but for now it's a concept art of a floating bug via balloon full of explosive gas.

No telling how lethal the gas is or if it has any lasting effects, but maybe best to not use fire against it to avoid forest fires.

I'm gonna avoid these while being with fire users. It's bad enough they're trying to burn me and my fish, I don't want to be near these once hit by fire!

Entry 11

This past week has felt very good for me overall. Despite getting some snow on the 2nd of May! I hate weather so much at times. Becoming very bizarre right now.

Last winter, 2011-2012, it was rather warm than cold, barely any snow. This winter, 2012-2013, made up for it by making two to three blankets of it! Thickest we gotten that winter was a bit over a foot I believe. Overall a new record.

I really hate snow right now. So much shoveling. Sure it's a good work out, but can only take so much.