Motivation Finding

(From my FA Journal)

So I have a story or two in mind I want to write, but I can't find the motivation to start on it and invest time into it. The inspiration is there at least, but the the drive is... I don't know... not there.

There's some purpose I need to write these stories, a purpose that is very meaningful to me. I had one a decade ago when I was writing my fan-fictions for a MMO, but I haven't been able to find that motivation again since then.

Maybe if I heard what motivates people to draw, make music, make videos (entertainment, LP's, etc.), or write, I might find something to help motivate me. I don't want people to throw in ideas of what will motivate me, as I rather find that on my own.

Feel free to share this entry with anyone who also had this struggle or can share what motivates them to create. It would be very helpful.

A Step to Self-Acceptance

So I had an interesting experience that turned out all right for me. I had a first time experience with male bonding. I've always been hesitant on it, in fear I may give off the wrong impression about myself or worse. But it turned out well and relieved it did so.

I'm starting to feel more comfortable with myself again... slowly but surely. I used to be a bit outgoing and friendly as a kid, but people kept taking it the wrong way like I was mentally ill or "homosexual" just for putting on a smile. It got to the point I forgot how to smile and be happy, and just ignored everyone since I couldn't be friendly anymore without being shut down constantly. I was like that up to graduation, basically. The friends I made were hardly there for me... so I don't miss them.

Thanks to the friends I've made in these past few years, however, and more so these past few months, I was comfortable enough to make a FA account, while contribute something to the site, favorite a few pictures I found by browsing randomly, watch a few artists I've seen before from their web comics or elsewhere.

So far haven't gotten any comments from my friends freaking out about watching this person or favoriting this picture, yet. (At least those I can take serious) That being said, I'm glad for the friends I've made these past few years than I've ever made before. Gives my life some meaning again. While it doesn't improve my self-esteem much, every little bit counts to at least wake up every morning.

Things are starting to look up to me again... and I want this to make up for lost time and last forever.

My FA

I have written a few poems on my FA, linked above. If you have a FA, please let me know what you think of them by leaving a comment. Feel free to watch me, but feedback is welcome.

I'm not aiming to be a professional writer of sorts, just write what comes to mind and see how people view it or took away from it.

As for what I favorite (especially if you have a FA account) or who I watch, if you know me it shouldn't be a surprise. Otherwise, yes I'm that kind of person. Come at me Feminists. My mallet is ready.

Goodbye After-Effects

Some take goodbyes well, some don't. However there's some that get rather drastic when they find out a friend of their's is leaving for good.

Got a friend right now that is going to a path of no return, and I'm doing my best to consult her... but afraid I may lose another friend. There's no one to blame for this, I think. It was bound to happen at some point given my friend's condition. I just hope I can talk her out of it and calm her down...

What a mess I'm in.

Update: My friend has calmed down enough. She's pretty much back to her normal self. It's a huge relief.

As for me, I forgot to mention I've accepted it now. At first I was sad, then feeling regret to doubts, but eventually came to terms. My friend will be fine. This is something she needs and I will not drag her back against her will or wishes. If she comes back, that'll be on her.

Starting to become close to another friend who needs it more though. Pretty much the only other person I can be equally close to. I'll be fine though. This isn't the end, just a new beginning.