A Step to Self-Acceptance

So I had an interesting experience that turned out all right for me. I had a first time experience with male bonding. I've always been hesitant on it, in fear I may give off the wrong impression about myself or worse. But it turned out well and relieved it did so.

I'm starting to feel more comfortable with myself again... slowly but surely. I used to be a bit outgoing and friendly as a kid, but people kept taking it the wrong way like I was mentally ill or "homosexual" just for putting on a smile. It got to the point I forgot how to smile and be happy, and just ignored everyone since I couldn't be friendly anymore without being shut down constantly. I was like that up to graduation, basically. The friends I made were hardly there for me... so I don't miss them.

Thanks to the friends I've made in these past few years, however, and more so these past few months, I was comfortable enough to make a FA account, while contribute something to the site, favorite a few pictures I found by browsing randomly, watch a few artists I've seen before from their web comics or elsewhere.

So far haven't gotten any comments from my friends freaking out about watching this person or favoriting this picture, yet. (At least those I can take serious) That being said, I'm glad for the friends I've made these past few years than I've ever made before. Gives my life some meaning again. While it doesn't improve my self-esteem much, every little bit counts to at least wake up every morning.

Things are starting to look up to me again... and I want this to make up for lost time and last forever.

Anxiety Issues: Achievements

I'm becoming bit of a nervous twitch right now. Yesterday I was looking at my profile on AStats, after, somehow, joining a private group called 100% Achievements Group. I don't recall getting an invite yet was able to join. I noticed 22 achievements were invalid. I took a look at it to see what were invalid, and all achievements to Stanley Parable were invalid due to irregulations, mainly because of the Go Outside achievement, don't play the game for 5 years.

I began to panic I may be viewed as a cheater to that community site, however found this thread regarding the issue. I made a post asking if relocking that achievement would make the others valid again, and if i unlocked it in December 3rd, 2019, which would be 5 years for me since I last played it to get the Commitment achievement (Steam says December 3rd, 2014 12am, while AStats says 7am; unsure if this is also causing the irregulation).

Now I know I shouldn't let little things like this cause me to panic and move on, but being labeled as a cheater, despite I'm not as it would say I am in red text on the AStats profile, easily upsets me.

Eventful Times

So these past few weeks have been... productive and slightly eventful to say the least. Been having a clogged ear (left) since Saturday night. Earwax removal didn't really help but made it harder to hear from it for awhile along with water trapped... then I started to feel some discomfort for a day. Visited a clinic today to get it cleared out and hoping it wasn't infected as well. Can hear much better, despite having some water in it with a narrow canal, apparently. Also gotten a flu shot since I haven't had one in a long time.

Gotten a rare achievement I've been working hard to get for a week or two: Double S+ from Dustforce. At the time of this post, 0.29% have it. It is very hard to get, and really worth getting if you're determined enough, along with a lot of patience--about equal to Bit.Trip Runner which I put that game on hold for 2 years... same with Dustforce funny enough. Anger issues didn't really helped you see...

The recent update to Dustforce helped me learn a few new tricks I couldn't figure out on my own, and made levels I had difficult on much much easier (some more than others, looking at you Hide Out and Observatory!) and beat my old personal record times. The achievement is so hard to get that there's even a steam group for players that got it, and I'm awaiting my invitation to it.

Birthday Blast

Not being stranded on a highway, being embarrassed at work, gotten games as gifts. This birthday has been very meaningful for me. For once in a long time was I happy to celebrate my birthday. I can't remember the last time I really celebrated my birthday with pride... probably as a child was when I was happy on my birthday. Even though I don't show it much, it does cheer me up inside.

In the past I wouldn't be so happy about it, because I feel I haven't accomplished much to deserve a party, let alone any recognition. Mainly just feel depressed and rather want to sleep the day away. Today however was different, and with real meaning to it as well.

The friends I've made and still in contact from Steam, Antilia, Bronyville (till it became a baron wasteland) and before. I am grateful I've met them while I could. I couldn't have asked for better friends than I have right now. There's a few that I miss and wish to be in contact again, or I wish I was friends with them before they moved on.

Action in Rage, Later in Regret

Late December I ended up calling it quits on TF2, mainly from a commute, for various reasons that would fall under the following, but not limited to: jealousy, frustration, anger-issues, stubbornness, and just being an all around jerk and kill joy 90% of the time I was on the server(s). Players were trying to help me, but I just kept seeing it differently as an attempt to just mock and take advantage of me. Had a stubborn mindset of refusing help and rather learn on my own, when in fact I wanted help yet the latter kept coming into play, constantly preventing it.

Shortly after calling it quits, I removed certain, but not all, folks from that TF2 commute. There were a few I couldn't really get along well and some never really interacted much; Rest I could but took it out on them as well, sadly--currently reuniting with them. There is one person I want to apologize. She kept trying to cheer me up and get me to see the bright side of things and people, when I would just push it all away. Mainly because I didn't want to be proven wrong, and too stubborn to listen and learn. After what I need to say, I'll let her decide whether to stay in touch or not. I just want to say sorry to her, is all. (Update below)

Long-Term Answer Found

Recently been cleaning out the basement (laundry room, pantry, living area, guest room) when I came across old school work. I could feel a very strong essence from them that was calling out to me "What you seek is here, search carefully." The answer to a question that has been haunting me for 4 years, at least. The question can't exactly be worded well for anyone, but me, to understand.

Let me put it this way: I've been haunted by an empty void related to my past that I could never figure out, and I knew it had to be somewhere in my past. Safe to say the void is being filled properly, but can't say for certain full or partial. Did find more answers to questions that I never thought before. Either way, the fact I finally found answers is a huge relief. I kept what seems to be important in a box to look over later, out of maybe 5 lbs of paper, whether in staple groups or individual. While what I found affected me emotionally and mentally, in the end felt good to find what I was looking for to begin with. Along with things I've long forgotten, like how to smile and enjoy life.

I feel my haunting past is starting to finally lift away. However, the damage it has caused is still long lasting and will take time to recover, probably faster than before after finding a few remedies to my heavy amount of doubt and fear; time will tell.

I am being vague and cryptic for a reason, as I do not wish to spoil details as this quest is not yet finished. Let's just say, I may have found a new form of confidence in myself, while at the same time not putting too much weight on myself.

The spirit of my youth can finally start to rest after all these years of crying out to me.

A Blue Cat's Epiphany

I have come to a deep realization about a month ago. I'm surrounded by friends that years past I would have found annoying and dreaded to be with. Guess I've grown more accepting than I have when I was younger. All thanks to an Australian friend.

Fang: When I first met him, he was a crazy hyper active sort, I've grown to accept it after first meeting him. While he may sound unsure of himself at times, he's something else worth being around with. Who knows, he might teach you something by surprise.

I don't know why... but after first meeting him, had a feeling to stick around with him since then. To this day, no regrets. Because soon after...

I met these people too, one after another.

Entry 26

So the Kickstarter video is nearing its completion. First look of the guy behind Antilia. Didn't expect him to have hair like that! Wonder if we'll see any outtakes of the video...

Life has been going alright. For about two weeks, been playing Elsword (via Steam) with Nel and Fang. Similar to Grand Chase, but far, far, FAR better, and I'm saying this from past experiences.

I don't know if GC has changed since I last played it few years back. You start out with three characters, all female. Elesis the Knight, Lire the Archer, and Arme the Mage. Eventually and quickly after release in NA version, there was a lot of whining from players about "started playing as a female character only" that there was a force of out-of-order-character-release for Ronan the Spellknight. (Suppose to be after either Lass the Thief or Ryan the Druid release, don't exactly remember.) I didn't really care in all honesty.

I started liking it as I played a bit. However I eventually ran into two issues: Job and Character Unlocking quests. (Keep in mind, this is based off when I last played it; don't know if this is still valid today.)

Entry 21

This is a mix feel entry: Grumpy, Sad, and Happy. As you read this, please keep in mind I am not seeking pity or for people to feel sorry. Guidance is welcomed, but don't want any paw holding. Gotta learn to do things on my own after all, despite how scary it may be.

Grumpy

Minecraft
On the minecraft server, I first got invited to a steam group, Minecraft Server Community, by I believe either a bot that invites random folk or a player inviting random folk... don't know honestly. Anyway. I join the server for 1.6.1/1.6.2. First time joining. Signs of things being recently grieved. Mainly because the houses are right there next to the spawn. Hardly see anyone on, not even an admin by the looks of it. I play for a bit out of that town, get some resources, hide in kitty made holes during the night, and head back prepared to fight off any mobs that may come in my way. Second day, more grieving done, nothing fix, heavy lack of players/admin. So I thought to myself, "Not worth playing in." Just thankful I didn't bother to build anything. Whatever I found in the wild is keeps to me in that server. Enchanted bow with good durability for starters.

Toki Tori
I bought two games that were on sale on Steam: Toki Tori, and Toki Tori 2+ (whatever the plus means). This started when I recieved two coupons for Toki Tori 2+ with a message on them saying "Thank you for being a fan of Two Tribes! Here's a coupon for 10% off Toki Tori 2!" By Two Tribes I have their two other games Edge and Rush--great games, recommend them both--that I bought in a Cube Pack, including bit.trip Runner (frustration city!), Blocks that Matter (meh puzzle game), Qube (Portal 1 feel to it), and Crtical Mass over a year ago. Yeah, I'm a major casual gamer at times.

Entry 20

I now have a minecraft account plus a skin of own. Sadly my name isn't LongSly because I made the account about 3 years ago, before LongSly. If you see a player in any minecraft server named LongSly, it's not me.

This skin, Sly, was my original when I was stuck with the "demo". I had to drag the char.png in the .jar file in every update.

Front

Back

Side-Head

I used a Leo (VG Cats) Skin as reference. No longer have the reference on me.

Entry 19

Keyboard keys on the left side--E, F, C, and to the left, including F5 but not for certain, are slowly failing to respond quicker than I thought. I have yet to pick a new external keyboard. Thinking of this keyboard, but I'll probably need to get an external mouse too as I bet it'll cover up the laptop keys and mouse pad and part of the screen too.

The main issue is I don't have a good flat surface, just my lap. Wanted to save up money for a new laptop, but that's long ways away and running out of time. May get a desktop instead if my life changes for the better, but that remains to be seen. Hopefully I can figure something out soon.

As for Antilia, fur patterns! It's nice to see a blog entry that isn't filled with statistics about money. No preview yet on Felo's, but hopefully they're are good ones! There's also mention of additional clothing and armor in the future.

Like I said in the thread, I really am hoping the armor for females isn't like in Scarlet Blade (what I give to burn that game and toss it into the abyss!) or any typical fan-service/Asian MMOs, or in Mabinogi's case the clothing since armor is hardly used player wise, if you know what you're doing anyway. For example, Devil Costume for females (male version) and Succubus Bodywear. Typical Asian MMO's though. Thankfully you don't see clothing like that very often, and are rare/limited, so that's a double. Still typical and stressful to see though way too often. Liska's response, that I have quoted in my response, still brings hope to the game for me. Fur armor on the other paw... I'm looking at you KnowingNothing. I got something far worse than a fish or a mallet if you bring that up again.

Blaine is feeling right at home, although he keeps going after my legs, feet, and toes! Stupid cat. I feed him and play with him, he still gets annoying at times.

Entry 18

Gotten a new kitty in the house! 14 month old Blane, orange tabby, 17 lbs., male. The previous owner had to move to another state for a job she gotten, but could only bring one pet with her instead of two. She was out of options and at wits end of what to do with the cat. We agreed to take care of the cat in our new home. First day he was very scared and confused, always hiding and hissing if we got too close. Few days later he finally got out of hiding and explored, even got near us to pet him.

It's nice to have a pet in the house again. I'm usually home alone while my folks are out working and my hours varies on weekdays and Saturday. Play with him at times. Do need to get back into the routine of cleaning the litter box and feeding again. Haven't done that in nearly two years since the last cat.

Not sure where he sleeps though... have yet to figure that out.

Entry 17

After the last shift of the week and driving home, two songs played on the radio. Stompa by Serena Ryder and Keep Your Head Up by Ben Howard.

I can easily imagine a music video from "Stompa" of Taipii mining, chopping, hammering, etc. in rhythm to the beat. Pretty much starting from waking up, heading to work, working in various camera shots, getting paid, paying bills, repeat. It's very soothing to hear and catchy.

As for "Keep Your Head Up", it's a good song to listen to when having a bad day. There is a music video forming in my mind from this song, but it's very fragmented to only the chores. Regardless, a nice up lifting song to hear after having a bad day.

You don't hear good songs that like very often anymore that isn't up-beat or over-beat.

Also, after 5 scratching posts that have died in duty, I deciphered Tettix's puzzle. If it wasn't for the scratching posts, I'd have to pay for fixing the walls.

Entry 16

Alright! Two things to talk about on Antilia: Pet Koura and Kickstarter Budget.

Let's start with the Pet Koura that looks like a giant butterfly the size of your head! May be annoying to have that hovering in your face buzzing away, buzzzzzzzzzzzz buzzzzzzzzzzzzz buzzzzzzzz. Probably need a giant fly swatter to attack the non-pet koura fly. Although I'm sure some either wouldn't mind or may have a cooking disaster, granted they were using giant cooking utensils. Hope some enjoy eating bug muffins! They're crunchy filled! Or can use them as darts for sport.

Kickstarter Budget, it took them a few months to get all their calculations down for this. $110,000 is the main goal, another $10,000 including the fees. Some of us may have thought it would be between $50,000 to 100,000 or less, but my heart sorta sank when I saw that. I WILL be donating money to the kickstarter, how much and how often I'm not sure, depends how long the kickstarter will be. I am looking forward to the stretch goals, hoping nothing that'll unbalance the game to a few player's favor, unless it's content that'll be available to the public in the future or content that doesn't affect gameplay what so ever, then I'll be somewhat fine with it, it depends.

Also, one last thing. Tettix's Puzzle. I've pretty much given up on it, I tried re-reading all that was said in the thread but nothing really helps me to figure it out, basically not ground to start on. A few have figured it out on record. The hints that were given only made it more cryptic for me. It's liking studying college courses, my brain doesn't like that for more than 5 minutes. It only enrages me basically... which reminds me I need to buy a new scratching post, I gotten a tad bit carried away with it to get my anger out... didn't think it was very flammable either. I'll just leave these "script/writing" puzzles to others. I'm not much of a words guy in terms of puzzles, except word search and fill-in. More of a number and logic guy, usually the former though. I like math so much.

In terms of life, Saturday I was on my feet for 4.5 hours, from 8am, cleaning thousands of square feet of carpet in a double wing, double floor, business building. My feet were screaming at me by the end of the job, and my thighs are currently groaning in agony every time I get up. Needless to say, huge payment that day for me. Worth it? Let me ask my feet... they say no and demand a rub.

Entry 15

I can't express my joy right now from seeing this thread: The Wall of Taipii Alpha Testers! It's basically a huge hall of fame-type and a big thank you from Jeff in participating in the early alpha testing.

When I saw myself on the first picture, I felt very happy and joyful. Unlike school, I am actually somebody in this community and not just picture of a person, and because of that it has given me a long-overdue-need of confidence and hope in my life. Really grateful for it. I have met friends I can actually have conversations without it feeling awkward, confusing, or one-sided. It's a huge blessing and relief.

I like to thank everyone that has participated in the early alpha testing to bring a smile on my face again in several years that I needed it, especially to Fang (aka Fen), Nalena (aka Nalynii, Nelana), Jyny, Kiyohime (aka Birdspirit), Fara (aka "the multi-W"), Liska (mod), Tettix, Jeremii, and of course, Jeff.

If there was an award for participating in the early alpha testing, I'd say this hit the spot. I don't think any other dev team that holds alpha or beta tests does this, so this is very wonderful and rewarding enough. Couldn't have asked for anything better... except fish.

Sadly, I'm too long to fit into any of the pictures, so my main, and apparently my alt, will suffice.

-----------------

Also, I'm in research of a new laptop. They keyboard on this is showing signs of failing: W, Tab, logo key are unresponsive. C, X, Ctrl, Caps are starting to show signs; D, S and maybe a few others are starting to follow suit too. So have I have these candidates and one I currently have my eye on of a possibility, so far.

I use this laptop for gaming mainly, and I have no place for a desktop, external keyboard or mouse at this time. I'll worry about price later, right now I want to find as many candidates as possible to my liking.

Preferences: Graphics card that IS NOT Intel. More than 4GB of ram. HDD bigger than 500GB (currently 286GB). Under $1,000 would be nice, if possible. Wireless connection. Built-in Mic. (I'll make plans for a headset later).

Entry 13

Don't really have much to say in this entry, except I am excited for the kickstarter for Antilia!

I'll see how much I can give to the kickstarter. Wonder what the prizes may be for the backers. I better not be on there though, I am nobody's pet!

Tettix has made another concept picture of a "walking stick mantis" as I'm gonna call it till an official name is out.

Concept Art by Tettix

Taken from "The Antilia Kickstarter Goals"

"From her description, it would seem this critter is fairly passive unless you bump the bamboo it is resting on - but if you do, be prepared for some "hate". (There is also an odd note which Jeremii contributed regarding the harvesting of its hate, but that might not make it to the game.)"

It's also inspired by a real bug called a Caprellidae.

So we have a "gas balloon bug", and now a "walking praying mantis stick". What's will be next? Any guesses?

Honestly hope no inspiration from spiders... I hate spiders! Hopefully any inspiration makes the spiders at least not horrifying creepy!

Entry 10

While making this entry, it had came to my attention that I skipped 7. So this is the true 10th entry!

Let's see, what to write in this entry... how about something happy and joyful to write and easy to read for once?

You know how cats are sometimes nocturnal creatures? Well I'm trying to break a long streak habit of going to sleep very late at night, like 5am. My goal right now is to reach midnight and stick to that. An adult cat needs to be more responsible of one's self, right? (Currently failing on this goal.)

Jeff has news for us Antilia folk that are still around on the site and doing their best to keep the community alive. While some of us are waiting patiently for the next update to surface, and others are completely burned out of the game till the update (like me), it is good to know there's a community overall trying to keep it alive and going. I'm doing my part too, some are doing it better than I though, but every little counts I suppose. Not easy for me to be a random, free spirit, fun person as I'm too busy being a grumpy, blue, cat; I have my moments though, right, Tettix? Jeremii? I could be lying.

What else... what else...

Oh, right! Not sure if I mentioned this before on my blog: About a month ago a friend and I had a fun idea of an event in the future of Antilia. It started out as a joke then into an actual idea. That's all I can say at this time.

There is one more thing... maybe something wise? Maybe advice? Yeah... NEVER! EVER! Hold me like a weapon, unless I'm okay with it! I'm looking at YOU, Liska!

Question 2

Direlda

What is this about a Shortsly that I have heard?

Ah, yes.

Saturday, I announced to the Antilia community, "Ladies and gentlemen... Shortsly exists now." Here is a picture of exactly what I mean.

Source: My new kitty. Shortsly

Isn't he cute? Been training him lately to get him stronger later on.

Entry 6

The last session in Antilia went well. It was nice to meet/see new people and get more friends. Despite it being another social gathering, it went rather well.

Hope the next test session is the update on April 1st. If Jeff pulls a prank about the update I'll be one very grumpy kitty. No one wants a grumpy kitty.

Social events are good in a way for those who couldn't make it be able to catch up or explore more of what there is. However after awhile lack of updates will affect the community where they'll feel either bored or burned out of it. The community in the game helps keep the flow going though, but that won't last forever.

As Jeff has mentioned about close-alpha testing in the future where vet testers are most likely to participate with a possible sign-up sheet for anyone else wanting to join, under a limited space, and because of the huge influx of players that the server may not be able to hold it, I ask those who are or may be part of the closed testing to focus more on the features and looking for bugs/glitches, doesn't mean you can't have fun and commute though.

Right now I wonder what future holds in Antilia, and for me as well since I'm a mascot, icon, meme, or whatever you wish to call me (except god, I will not accept that no matter what). Antilia has potential and is more outside of the box than other MMORPGs on gameplay, excluding Mabinogi to a certain degree.

For me, I wonder if I'm gonna be some collectible item in-game or be a design in some weapon or equipment, depending on how much the community appreciates and loves me in the future.At this time, however, I do not expect to be till possibly either in beta or after release, really don't know. I honestly don't expect this fame to last forever either. Although, with the new LongMods, me still being the original, I feel I'm gonna be sticking around for quite some time with this friendly community here.

There is one other thing that I would like to bring up as well, but that'll wait till next Monday, this is LONG enough as is.

After typing all this up with my short arms and tiny fingers on my paws, I'm gonna enjoy some hot coco mixed with Jidou Milk, and cooked fish with a touch of Turf Crud and Veiko Shelves by a warm fire. Winter still isn't over here! Wish I had a thicker coat of fur too.

Entry 5

By my amazement, I have somehow reached outside of Antilia. It could be a coincidence though.

Take a look at this video and be amazed yourself.
Kilplix Plays Scribblenauts Umlimited #4