I'm Scared...

So many things I'm scared of happening then and now. It's always a constant worry for me even though few of them I really shouldn't be and just go with the flow and accept it.

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1. Being Alone

I'm always constantly scared of being abandoned. Left behind. Like there's no hope for me anymore. Part of it is my fault. I always question everything "Why? What will come of this? Why must I do/know this?" I like to know what is in it for me and the purpose before I go on. I have difficulty taking things face value because in the past people kept taking advantage over me being gullible and kind. Also have issues with trust due to past experiences which lead me to always ask questions...

2. Being Useless

There's hardly anything I can really do in this world with just a high school diploma. I tried collage after being pressured to go. Tried for 2 years before dropping out completely as I couldn't handle it anymore. Just the negative thoughts constantly flooding my mind... I had to stop going. I wasn't very mentally stable for it. Seems the only thing I can really do is minor labor work... I don't do well with people and whatever I have to say gets tossed out the window without a care. I hardly ever get listened.

3. Being Bald

Currently have a bald pattern going on... my hairline is retreating in the middle. I know every male once in awhile gets it in their life but feels too soon for it. I'll just have to accept it. Doesn't help I learned the saying of males who get bald up front are those who think, get bald in back are those who are wise, and from front to back who think they are wise... that bothers me greatly... and leaves me very sad.

4. Having No Love or Fun for Anything.

For years now I've had trouble just having fun and letting loose... probably because I'm too self-conscious of my actions due to recent events of me messing up and getting scold at or proving I'm not smart as I come out to be. I do have moments of not caring and just go with the flow without questioning, but they're rare. Seems to happen when I get overloaded with stress and pressure or something. Where I get all affectionate or silly before I reboot... Like to stop thinking so much but not be careless either.

5. Being Stupid

Yeah I know the remedy to this is go back to collage and all... but I have no study skills or way to focus in my studies at this time. I'll just get flustered very easily and give up, even if it's not that hard to find out the information... lecturers usually end up not very efficient for me as I get bored easily. Besides, scared to go back to school at all... just the thought terrifies me. Books or long reading tends to bore me easily and I'm a slow reader in terms of novels and stories...

6. Living on My Own

I don't trust myself very well to live on my own... and I don't know anyone personally enough to be their roommate. My mind isn't stable to be left alone for long periods of time. I know I should be more responsible for myself on many fronts, but I don't keep a good financial track, haven't gotten a job on my own without bombing an interview or application, scared to even face the outside world... I just don't know what to do with my life without feeling scared and being dependent on others. Granted I don't need financial support but...

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I have so many other things I'm scared of, but that's the major ones to me....