Scar of Mar

(Follow Up of Clear Picture Music)

We've all faced Mar at one point or another, and some have managed to notice sooner. Sadly I only noticed when it was far too late for me. Damages have been done... they cannot be reversed.

Mad, Anger, Rage, or Mar, is something we all develop in our early years of life; before we have our path set before us, before we have a focus set in our minds. However, some are not able to notice it soon enough, or at least not made aware of it. By the time I noticed it, I was already finished with schooling.

There was nobody to spot my odd behavior, sudden change of mood, or my short responses, let alone press on about it with caution; I used to be such a happy child too. They all thought I had communication problems as I grew... my only problem was lack of expressing my frustrations without being shut down as if they were nothing or taken out of proportion, which was a common thing on both for my parents, family, friends, and the student body; as majority of them were the problem.

I had trouble trusting anyone I met, new or old, including relatives. I was not convinced nor willing to take the risk to say anything to them. Every time I want to talk about something, I get over talked into some other mundane topic about another relative's success in life or their own problems... I had problems of my own, but none were never willing to listen and just tell me to "get over it" unless it was a success story which were rare, rare like a school of fishing jumping into a boat.

What choice did I have but to keep it to myself? No one really cared... how much I hated the school and the students. ...I am lucky Mar wasn't able to do enough influencing to cause a huge effect on my life. I feel I don't need to explain what I mean... but I'll leave it on a subtle note: Juvy or Expulsion? I'll let your imagination go wild on that. In the end, just wanted out... wanted the things I hated the most to just stop, to get out of my sight, and me no longer going to the place I hated the most... a certain place to be exact.

Thankfully a cure did appear for me... or at least a way to channel out Mar without causing external damage to help finish school: Mallet. To all may see this as a way comic way of dislike of someone's actions towards me or others, or what they say, but the origin was deeper than that.

I use this mallet to help release my anger and frustrations in doses. Every swing and hit helps release a portion of Mar that has build up inside me for several years. If I can't channel him out via words for people to listen, I'll use a different form instead. Thus the mallet. Actions speak louder than words, as the saying goes... and my words are anything but heard.

Sadly this is something I can't do in physical form without causing injuries, let alone be sued for assault that would be justified to the public eye but not in a legal system, or cause property damage. Let alone carrying a weapon around without a permit... paranoid politics aside...

I still have trouble channeling Mar properly, which prevents me from doing anything out there... I don't trust myself to control my anger alone, let alone able to build it before hitting my max. It's a dilemma I still face today. Mar still builds up, and the ratio to channel it out is below the build up on average. At times the build up stops temporary, maybe a day or two, and I'm able to channel out smoothly.

YlsGnol... or as I like to call him now, LongMar, is the opposite side of the coin, my shadow. Where I go, he follows. I cannot escape Mar, and I don't want him to do anymore damage. I even have to engage in battle, whether by will or by force, either with him or against him. But if I let Mar engage in a battle by himself that isn't against me, it's a losing battle altogether and it affects me all the same regardless if I'm in the battle or not.

LongSly, LongMar. Two entities yet same person. We think the same, but our viewpoint is always different. As long as I have this curse... this scar... with me, I don't trust myself very much. However, I cannot expel him from me, too dangerous; in fact I have something to prevent him from being expelled from my body. I carry the burden for a reason, but that's for another entry.

Incidentally, another cure may be in light, however it's not a What, but a Who... Two Who's to be exact. One in the fairly recent past, another in the present. However, that too is for another entry.