Revisit Past, Make Better Memories

To my friends reading this, I have a request for you at the end of this entry. Please read it through to the end.

Several years ago before my time with Antilia, I played a game called Trickster. It was an interesting game made from Korea. At first I had fun times but my teenage pride and anger issues was getting the best of me and was sorta driving people away. I made friends but only few I kept in contact with for a few more years before they... well vanished without any way to still keep on contact. All but one friend.

My actions in the game were... not something I'm proud of. I was nitpicky, full of myself, and maybe manipulative. Many things annoyed me in the commute and the game yet I still stuck around as I had nothing else to do... some excuse huh?

I went by the name JasonR, soon after SneakySly, Charm Type Raccoon, back in the day. I miss the friends I made and I regret not keeping in touch with them any further after playing... guess that's why I felt a bit uneased with myself lately. The friends I made, I no longer talked to and hardly needed their help... or refused to ask for their help as I was too full of pride to do things on my own.

My friend from trickster decided to go on the private server, the only version there is of the game, and I soon decided to join with her. She had hard times too that I wasn't aware of, or I may have forgotten. I doubt I'll meet the same people again in-game, as I've grown distant from making new friends in MMOs for some years now. Them becoming the past, with others, scares me deeply every time I make new ones. I soon forget their faces and their names... and how I first met them. Guess I'm just scared of moving on myself in life and hang onto those dear to me. I don't ever like being alone... gets me very sad and helpless.

I still have their contact info on YIM but they haven't log-in for several years that they maybe have moved on with their lives, having doubts they still use their e-mail address. Most were from when MSN was still a thing... I wonder if hotmail is still around to see if I can contact them.

Memories flood in... the friends I made I lost contact with and I don't know if I can still contact them with the e-mails they gave me... part of me wants to so very badly reach out and catch up... and I just don't know why... I guess I'm just afraid of being alone... or abandoning or being abandoned... or forgotten overall. Don't even know if they still have my e-mail address... hell even tearing up as I'm typing this.

...but...if they still wanted to stay in contact, they would've let me know... they all would've let me know and not just up and leave without saying good bye or give me info to stay in contact with them... all but one from Trickster, all but few from Toontown & Toontask, all but one from Neo Steam... and other games/commutes I was apart of in my life.

I miss those times and I don't want to lose contact with other friends I made... not ever again... Just going back to trickster had me unease for a bit and couldn't figure out why till now as I type this entry. The majority of friends I made as a whole, not just trickster, are no longer around and no longer in fair reach... haven't talked to them in years. Maybe because I found them boring and replaced them or we lack any common interest after awhile and stopped talking. Stupid reasons like that.
I'm deeply sadden by all this memory rush, especially as I look at my contact list on my e-mail address since I made it roughly 10 years ago... The memories of those time really hurt me deeply... guess I never made a good connection with many of them and I should just... let them go... or keep their contact info as memoirs when I was having fun(-ish) and not a sourpuss I am today.

Guess I'm just scared of making new friends and making new has-been friends... it may be the way of life, but I don't want that anymore... it just hurts me more and more it happens. Has me thinking if I did something wrong to offend them, if they did something I found annoying and didn't want to be apart of when it was nothing, or a mix of those. Even the friends I made in my childhood I stopped talking by the time I was in middle school... I was too afraid to leave the property of my house and my parents weren't that all encouraging me to go and just take my side of fear.

I want to make better memories though in this version of Trickster... or maybe just play long enough to get enough nostalgia to last. Hell... want to make better memories with all my friends.

I have one deep request to all my friends right now. Please, if you want to stay in contact with me, if we ever end up parting went in good terms, please let me know. I don't want anymore has-been friends, especially those I never had any major issues with. And I want to know if I'm being a good or bad friend to you... any feedback is welcome, as I don't get enough and fail to notice my faults in time.