A message was sent to me in a series of dreams early this year. I mentioned them in my last entry, however I was still trying to figure out what they were trying to tell me. Right now, I know the answer.
Dreams of my past... showing me for about 11 years of my life, 4th grade to 2 years after graduating, I was viewing everything and everyone all wrong. They weren't my enemy, they were nothing to be afraid of, to label as a threat... only I was the enemy, the fear, and the threat. That was majority of my youth.
Before I get too far ahead of myself... At the start of the 11 years, I would hold grudges to those that did me wrong, even two years past graduation. Clouding my mind full of grudges, wishing for one day to get revenge. As more time went on I began to think more rationally... was it really their fault? Are they the ones to really blame for my tortured past? No... majority was justified on their part. Many told me they were picking on me for no reason, between speculation and lie, but only a few told the real truth: I wasn't being very nice, respectful, not even acknowledge people as real beings. Hatred filled my heart, fear overcame my mind, leaving me sad and lonely.
In laymen terms, full of pride thinking I was always in the right, when I was in the wrong and no fun for anyone.
Fear and paranoia had me trapped in a corner, not able to trust anyone, not even a little. Even if those that really did me wrong in years past wanted to make up for it, I would refuse to accept it... at least, some of the time. While I would still hold grudges, I would give a few a chance to make it up, especially if it was years before I saw them again in the 11 year time span. However, it was all for not on their end as I couldn't let go of the past.
Even though I made some friends in school and online... I still felt unacknowledged, when that wasn't the case. People were acknowledging me, I just put a smoke screen in front of me followed by a bubble to shield me in.
Only a few saw through my smoke and penetrated my bubble... and it all started with my friend Claire. I accepted her in because... because something told me she was the first step... first step to rebuilding myself. I would talk to her every day for a full year, and I enjoyed every second. I believe that was 2011 to 2012. Still able to contact with her, and never wish to lose it. It's because of her that I've been able to put my long term anger and hatred to rest, and let go my meaningless grudges upon those I put in the past.
Eventually, when I was running a Terraria server for the Antilia commute, I let another in, Fang. Soon Nel, Spyred, Radio, so on and so forth. They're more than friends to me... they're family. (Explained in a previous entry: A Blue Cats Epiphany) Better family than the one I grew up with. Wouldn't trade them for anything else.
I think when reading about this post, it is important to learn from the past, else you repeat it, I believe the saying goes. To see you take notice of your actions in the past is a very good sign. Many fail in this, I believe. :/ As you move forward with your life, do keep expanding your relationships. Sure, it may not be easy at times, but it'll be worth it in the long run.
ReplyDeleteAlso, though I don't know much about what happens in your family, don't entirly close them out yet. Give them a chance. Many chances, if you have to.
I am glad that you decided to let people break down your invisible wall. And that you saw your faults. It is a brave thing to do. Sadly not enough people are willing to look and work on themselves like that. I do enjoy you in our 'family', but I think Spyred has a good point with taking a look at improving the relationship with your actual family as well.
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