While I am happy I have a new keyboard--can finally press W and Alt-Tab again, and no longer have to use the on-screen keyboard--I still feel a bit down, other than ToonTown closing.
Installing TF2 again, despite it was stubborn but had to wait it out, and logging back into a server I usually went on before I had to take a break while having my issue, coming back... I realize a lot of stress came from that game alone. There are reasons I usually don't like PvP in games with random people, personally causes a lot of stress to me and gets me agitated for days on end, and generally it only causes conflict and negative atmosphere for people. I have felt more at ease while on my hiatus from TF2... but gonna make that hiatus a leave for good from it.
TF2 just isn't for me... I tried for months and months but just couldn't grasp it like others can on the palm of their hands. I blame this vague learning disability I have, and a bit of elitism too. Being good is one thing, but being too good is not fun at all, just stressful. Basically just showing off and one-upping players, which only discourages. It's hard to find fun players that are out there to have fun. If TF2 ever goes under, big if that is, chances are I won't miss it much. I'll just leave it to those that enjoy PvP focus games, and I'll just avoid them like the plague.
Finding myself having trouble to play with others. Either I feel like a third wheel to them, or they do to me. I've grown used to playing by myself for several years as a child that I can hardly get used to playing with others to this day. It feels like a competition to me of who is better, when that's never the case. At times I feel I'm being too good to my friends when we play together or vise verse, and despite that may not be the case, it troubles me constantly. As much as I want to be useful I don't want others to feel useless or vise verse, and I can't find a medium to that. Heck, at times I feel I'm not being that all fun after all. As much as I want to be a team player and play with others... it's difficult for me to do.
A lot of things distract my mind that prevents me from concentrating. Had this problem for years. So bad that I couldn't bother to bring it up with my folks or teachers. Even if I would explain, I would only end up amending it five-to-ten times before it makes any sense to them, which would only upset me due to having to repeat myself many times with corrections one after another. Makes me wish most of the time I had something to unleash anger on physically--have yet to find an outsource for that for over 10 years.
Saving up money for Antilia has become a higher priority for me. Got a lot of money saved up to support the kick starter. Compared to the total, how much I may be able to give on the first day, and expected amount of people who may help support, it may already reach 1% of funding ($1,200) on the first day. Yes, I do plan to submit around that much money for this kickstarter at the very least on the first day, maybe more later on. Not for the backer rewards, but to support the game entirely. Even if you can't help fund the game that much, every little bit counts in the long run. I'm most likely helping give it a good kick in the pants. Sure that's a big investment for a video game, but hopefully it'll pay off. I hardly buy anything anyway, so gotta put all this money to some use anyway.
Sure I could spend that much for college... but... I got no motivation, no inspiration, no meaning to go to college at this time. Used to, but gone before I had the proper chance to grasp it. Envy those that are able. I also don't have the mental ability either... grown a huge phobia against schools and education places, even libraries. Even looking at one or driving/walking by one tenses me up in a snap for five seconds, and haunt my mind for minutes. Bringing back memories that I still wish to forget and constantly attempt to overwrite in my head that it turned out fine than it did. As much as I want to expand my education... this is one too big of a road block for me to handle. I feel like going for a GED, despite I have a highschool degree. Doesn't feel I mentally graduated, my mind still stuck in late elementary 4th and 5th grade.
Still trying to seek my purpose in life, but keep hitting too long slow bumpy roads and dead ends. At times I feel I found it, but something always comes in to bulldoze it and I'm off searching from scratch again. At times I'm able to endure it, but eventually I break under pressure and/or stress.
Writing these down helps clear my mind. Seems like I'm able to do this every few months, get it all together like a puzzle and spill it out all at once, like submitting huge collections to museums, clear out space for new stuff. After typing all these up I should feel better and happy. I'd do it more often, but find it best to build it up and then sell it when possible. Enjoy that big relief instead of little ones here and there.
Also, kindly stop taking anything I say negative literally. It's my crude way of saying "I'm angry" in a poor comical attempt to get it out so I don't keep it bottled up. If I'm being literal, I'll let you know, otherwise either pay no mind or laugh and save your jen for something more important. Not because I've reached over 10 bad jen now, but because it's pointless to do in the long run. Otherwise, you'll only be encouraging me to keep my rage to myself till it explodes like a shaken up bottle of soda, in which the internet will send me a restraining order for 5 months. How I managed to hold it throughout public schooling is beyond me, but that equaled out by making enemies left and right because I couldn't say more than a simple sentence with anyone in one sitting without losing their attention and feeling like a ghost that's too transparent to see.
At times I wonder why I even bother to use words to express myself since "me being funny is serious and me being serious is funny" most of the time... oh that's right, I got nothing else to express it with. Can't draw, make music, or animate, let alone color smoothly in the lines. Might as well just be mute my whole dang life with no emotions whatsoever, oh wait I already am in real life which I am trying to break! Since me using my mallet to comically express my oppose of something got me a warning to be nearly ban from a fan-site by an arrogant turf-of-a-crud mod who I had bad run ins with before he even became a mod, thinking I was spamming up the forums; only did it in like two threads, not ten! Pre-mature harsh warning much?
"Hello Sly,I swear this guy has a grudge against me still and be more than happy to give me the boot... Just trying to express my disagreement in a comical way, but fine I'll use actual boring words like a business man would in forms of worded-wall-text to say what I really mean that'll put a cat that is always hyped up on catnip to sleep and miss my expression point by 10 miles wide like Milley's point that she's an adult at the VMAs!
I've noticed that you're spamming several topics with "Mallet". It's nice that you've returned to the site after taking a hiatus.
You know the rules. Please, it's time to act more mature. Try to add to a conversation instead of interrupting or ending it with "Mallet". If I find you posting anymore posts like this, you'll be taking another hiatus. I don't want to, but if you make me, I will. You know better and i'm tired of it."
I often make small worded simple sentence posts like a grade schooler, not a well written worded paragraph or two like people in college can do blindfolded and instantly without having to put too much thought into it since that could take me hours to days to write one. No one ever takes me serious when I'm mature anyway, just look at me like I'm a fool who can't tell the difference between my numbers and letters.
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